I really would love to do a '2018 year rewind' but now's not the best time. I feel like I need to vent, I feel like it's going to help me get through this little rough patch that I'm in. What a year 2019 has been already and we're only 6 days in. Not going to lie, but I'd love to be in 2014 again. Life was so simple and the things I worried about seem meaningless today. Now I have real problems, adult problems. I can't say that I'm dealing with them all too well, they're kind of getting to me a bit and I really wish things were different.

I'm still living with my ex which is proving to be rather difficult. I can't do anything and I feel so trapped. I'm judged constantly by him and his friends, I'm made to feel worthless and get yelled at daily. I'm not overexaggerating, I'm literally living in a war zone. It doesn't bring out my best side and I hate the person I become when I get home. I have to stand my ground and fight back otherwise I just get walked over. The annoying part is that it's too expensive for me to move out right now. I can't afford it on my part-time salary whereas he could easily move out, he just doesn't want to.

Things get really bad and weird when I bring another guy home. An example of this was yesterday. I invited a guy over while my ex was at work, it just so happened that the guy was still here when my ex got home. I was in the kitchen and my ex was asking me all these questions about the guy in my bedroom, and then when I went to leave my ex proceeded to say nasty things and gave me a judgemental look. I don't have guys over all the time, it's very rare. But at the moment things aren't great and I honestly just wanted some company. Obviously, I had sex with this guy (twice) and I didn't mean to be loud but it kind of just came out. I thought it'd be okay because my ex would be playing his games or watching TV or simply just doing something. Oh, how I was wrong. When we came out of my room my ex was just sitting on the couch, doing nothing, in silence. I walked this guy to his car and hugged him goodbye. When I came back inside my ex was standing at the window, he was watching us. I don't think I'm the only one who thinks that's a little weird. I asked my ex what he was doing and told him how I thought it was a little strange. He then yelled at me, told me to f*ck off and to leave him alone, then stormed up to his bedroom. This made me feel angry and almost ashamed, I just wanted some company for the afternoon but apparently, I can't do that without upsetting someone.

Onto another boy problem now. There's this guy who I've been talking to since the middle of last year. He's older, he's kind, he's handsome, he pretty much ticks all of the boxes. Now, he was really interested in me at the beginning and then we met in person and things very slowly started to fade. He started to take days to reply, he wouldn't initiate seeing me or talking to me but I really liked him so I chased. I've actually been chasing him up to today. He has this kind of power over me and he knows it. He ignores my calls and texts and only messages me when he feels like it, which is very rare. Everyone warned me about him when I first started talking to him, but I didn't believe them until now. He played me so good and it's safe to say I'm a little heartbroken. Hence the need for company and to feel wanted because being rejected time and time again isn't the best feeling. I feel disgusting, not good enough, and pretty worthless. No person should ever make someone feel this way, it's awful. I ignored everyone when I should've listened. ALWAYS listen to those closest to you because they only want the best for you, and can see the bad when maybe you can't. So at the moment, I'm trying to let him go, it's just rather difficult because I really liked him. Sometimes it's hard to let go of someone you never officially dated because there's so many 'what ifs'. I'm also annoyed at myself because there's a very sweet boy who would love to take me out on a date but I rejected him for this playboy. I'm doing it to myself, I'm causing this pain, I'm allowing myself to get hurt time and time again. Maybe it's best if I leave this playboy in 2018.

What else? Apart from the depression and heartbreak, I've actually made some amazing memories made in December. I was lucky enough to meet a gorgeous girl who I can now call my 'best friend.' I came back from England a week early and I'm so glad I did, otherwise, I wouldn't have gone to a party and I wouldn't have met her. She's the nicest person I've met in a long time and I'm so grateful for her. She's been helping me get through all of this crap and although we haven't technically known each other a long time, I trust her with everything. She helps with my loneliness and tries to pick me up when I'm down. She's just amazing and I can't fault her, she came into my life exactly when I needed her. So through all of the shit and the drama that's happening at the moment, she's my one little silver lining. It's like she's showing me that although things feel awful, they won't always be this way. I'm so happy to have met her and hope she sticks around for a long time!

I'm trying to focus my attention on other things at the moment. Exercise is a big one. I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to lose last year, so this year before my birthday in July, it's my goal to be the best version of myself, inside and out. I really hope I can achieve it, I just need to believe in myself.

Thank you for reading another one of my depressing, dramatic posts. I promise I'll be posting more - I've missed writing so much.

Until next time,

Meliss

P.S - HAPPY NEW YEAR!