I'm not sure when I'm going to learn... how many chances can I give out before I just completely give up? A lot of people give out 3 chances before giving up but it's not like that for me. I will give someone so many chances that they just start making fun of me, but I can't help it. It's in my nature to believe that people will change... that there's good in everyone, some just aren't great at showing it. Slowly but surely I can feel myself changing, I feel my genuine nature being replaced by something more toxic. It's as if with every person who hurts me, who breaks my trust or my heart, is molding me into a somebody I don't want to become. I don't want to lose my good nature, or my willingness to be honest and kind to everybody around me. I'm not sure if this is one of lives natural paths but I really don't want to take it. If I could rewind time, I would. I'd rewind to the moments I met the people who only brought darkness into my life. I have created walls around me and refuse to let anybody in, but unfortunately, the people who made me build the walls are still in here with me. I can't seem to let them go. There's one in particular who is forever on my mind, no matter how hard I try to forget or to move on, I always end up going back to him.

I've spoken about him before and I've told you I wouldn't go back but there's something that's keeping me attached to him. I can't explain it, he's just got ahold of me. This time is different though. Last night I was lonely and decided to call him after weeks of not talking. It was nice to talk to him until he started telling me about the girls he's been seeing. Girls from my previous workplace (where we met) and I'm talking about most of the girls in the office. It made me feel like I was just a game to him, another name to tick off his list. He told me about a time I drunk called him whilst he was with one of these girls and they had a laugh about it, about me. He told me he was seeing married women but didn't care. But then he asked me if I'd been seeing anyone. Honestly, I've not been coping with things well and as a way to get over him, I have been seeing some guys. This isn't like me at all but I'm really hung up on this guy.

SO I told him about the other guys and he wasn't happy. He couldn't understand how I 'liked' him and went on to have sex with other people. He said that it's okay for guys to mess around but not so much for girls.
'That's just the way it is.' He mentioned how it's not attractive for girls to do such a thing as they're going to be 'future mothers' and who's going to want a girl to be the mother of their children if they've slept around. All of this made me feel awful. It was degrading and I felt like a slut and nobody should ever make someone feel that way, ever. In his mind, he'd said nothing wrong but I was trying not to cry. I've been brought up in a family where respecting yourself is so important and this guy made me feel like I'd let myself and my family down. Maybe it sounds crazy but he really got to me. I couldn't sleep and this morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I hated myself for what I'd done and what I'd allowed myself to become.

I felt shitty for most of the day. I spoke to a friend who told me the usual, 'this guy is an asshole, don't listen to what he says.' It's honestly easier said than done. It's in my nature to overthink and make myself worry about how other people perceive me. Maybe I am just a slut? Maybe I don't deserve to mother anyone's children?

It took a while but I came to the realization that this is what he wants. He wants me to be second-guessing myself, he wants me to feel this way... it's just the type of guy he is. He wants me like he wants a video game. Yes, he's played it and won before, but instead of throwing it out he puts it on the shelf, just at arm's length so he can play it any time he wants. Well, I say no. I say no to having my heart torn time and time again, I say no to guys playing stupid games, I say no to letting what he says affect me anymore. It's time to block him on EVERYTHING. It's time to say goodbye to him, it's time to let him go. It's going to be hard at first but that'll pass. There are millions of guys out there and I don't need to be wasting my time on someone like him. I feel sorry for any girl or guy who's been through what I'm going through. It's the worst and I wish people considered other peoples feelings. I guess we can't all be good people, right?

That's it for now.

Until Next Time,

Meliss
xx

Image Cred: https://aviaryrecoverycenter.com/let-it-go/