This blog is about changing ourselves in real-time moments (as it happens) in the light of social interactions. Illustrated with a personal anecdote, it is shown how the transformation of an initial stance of negativity into a ‘positive’ one can be beneficial to a variety of social and personal dimensions. In doing so, we give ourselves (and the other) the chance to actually get to know each other whilst creating an opportunity for constructive and good-spirited interactions. Meanwhile, we enable ourselves to develop the quality of dropping our prejudices while allowing ourselves to open up to that which we fear or reject due to our preconceived ideas or social ‘foreignness’. Moreover, bonus bonus, we get some real self-insight in the process that is topped by the opportunity to learn about social qualities we didn’t see and/or explored before.
Being at work, I was peacefully cutting up some vegetables and impaling some tasty chicken morsels to prep the sate for the night, as it goes. Then, suddenly, this kind of rough figure flung itself into the kitchen, making its presence unmistakably known with all kinds of loud greetings, noises, and saucy comments. This figure of immediateness turned out to be ‘the fixer’, a man anointed to encumber his life with things that need repairing and/or maintenance in the restaurant workspace. A typical example of his vocational duties is cleaning the drainage – a task for which Mr. Fixer brought some no-nonsense hydrochloric acid.
This ‘fixer man’ I judged to be about as subtle as his working methods. In a way, I perceived him to be not very unlike his chest of rattling equipment: a walking, boisterous and clunking toolbox-man consisting of some loosely arranged screws, nuts and bolts that -in my mind- symbolically represented the coherence and delicacy of his mental machinery. Not only did I find the man loud and quite repulsive, I also suspected him of carrying a vitriolic ‘resonance’ similar to the hydrochloric acid he was currently pouring into the smoking drainage hole. In short: I didn’t really like the man, and actually feared him a bit.
This man represented a type of character I naturally have little affinity with: unrefined, ‘dense’ and space-occupying beings that carry a lot of noise within and about them, containing little of real intrinsic value but the showing-off of their gorilla-like status whilst portraying an image of being well-hung in terms of social dominance (or at least the pretense of being so).
Anyhow, I never really talked to the man. I mainly heard him going about the pipes and pots while broadcasting his snappy comments. Our personal interactions were mostly limited to him snatching boiled eggs from my salad bar with him always saying the same thing: “You don’t mind do ya? I only got served half eating here earlier.” (this while the egg was already being anatomized to pieces of protein between his mashing teeth)
So this night, the one of the hydrochloric acid, I became aware of my emotional reactions and decided to check myself. I wondered: “What is it about this man specifically I don’t like? What does he represent and why do I react to that? Is what I think about him real, or could it be imagined projection on my side? Is he actually such a nasty figure or am I just shutting him out on the basis of me not knowing how to deal with him due to my own fears?” I decided to investigate myself - with this man as my exercise and test of truth.
So I took a deep in-breath, asserted myself within while letting go of my energies towards the man and decided to stand in stability – open and receptive and aware of myself.
And lo and behold, it turned out to be quite different from what I anticipated! I greeted him and asked if his hellish mixture was working out well, frying out those toothpicks from the drainage hole. He laughed and said that it was working quite well, that he would burn the fuck out of them. After this I asked him about his a job, and what he does exactly - to which he responded that he was just a simple guy doing simple stuff to keep things running in the business. (Which surprised me because, in fact, he showed that he wasn’t cocky at all in that respect - acknowledging the ‘simplicity’ of himself and his job while being able to stand by that as who he was, in his self-respect, regardless of the potential stigma of ‘being simple’ and doing ‘simple work’ – which is quite admirable if you ask me)
We talked a bit more about how to keep the drainage clean to prevent it from clogging again ("Just tell the waiters to throw their shit in the bin instead of the sink") before I had to go on fixing one my own simple things, a ‘Nacho 2 the Max’ in this case. Mr. Fixer left a few moments later, loudly saying that he would see us fuckers too soon again. I actually laughed at that, liking the comment - instead of reacting negatively to it as I would have before. Being restored to my own thoughts and Self-reflection, I was quite amazed about the whole process that had just unfolded. The man was actually unlike I the idea I had of him.
So what did I find out in that moment?
That I had it wrong. Wrong in a sense that I made the man in my mind into a loud-mouthed gorilla being out and about for the dominance factor with no respect for others or himself. But, in fact, he turned out to be quite fun and friendly when actually talking to him; he just seemed to operate from a stance of rough, yet amicable sociability. Moreover, his moment of self-mockery / self-humbling (‘being a simple guy doing simple things’) actually signified to me that he actually has more of a stance of mutual equality rather than intrusive dominance. While there might be an undercurrent of (playful) dominance, sure enough, it wasn’t for me to take it personally and react to him with my own aggression through entertaining my own prejudices – and making him a lesser of a man in doing so.
So why did I feel personally attacked / harassed by the man who is just acting in a way that is seemingly not ‘aligned’ with how I act and behave in life? Why would that incite a reaction of resistance, and of actual fear within me?
Might it be because I don’t know how to deal with him? That I fear not knowing how to behave being in his –rougher- company? Isn’t that actually my own fear of the unknown playing out – signifying that I am thus insecure about myself really?
So does that actually say something about him, or all the more about myself?
And moreover, are my reactions towards the man’s supposed ‘dominance’ not actually rooted in me fearing being targeted and diminished by his ‘dominance’? I mean, I found the man pretty daunting to be honest.
Wasn’t I thus potentially thinking, feeling and acting from a point of fearing inFEARiority myself?
And am I consequently not reacting to that (projected and imagined) fear of inferiority with a defense mechanism, where I consequently (and conveniently) flip the whole thing around? Where I am making myself ‘superior’ to him by making him less - seeing him as a ‘dumb’, unrefined simpleton (while making myself a ‘refined intellectual’ by comparison)?
Am I not thus band-aiding my own insecurity (and with it, inferiority!) by restoring my self-image through engaging in a duel-shootout and axing of characters, where I turn out to be the winner in any case and anyhow? Where he is ‘wrong’ and I am ‘right’?
And who is actually being dominant and arrogant here? Isn’t that me really? I mean, I didn’t know the man and I never really communicated with him yet didn’t bother to think twice in having my trigger-happy judgments ready and firing. And moreover, I went as far to do it all in secret, in the safety of my own head-space – taking ‘vengeance’ on the man by diminishing him while being in hiding and secrecy. Well then, doesn’t that make me an actual coward?
Ow ow ow. These are direct, Self-Honest and painful realizations. I mean, I really have to look at myself here. Whoever or whatever the man is, it’s not about him in this moment – it’s wholly about me. I took my interpretations, projections and fears and ran with it. This while I didn’t bother to test my prejudices and preconceived ideas – no, it was much safer to just reject the man ahead of time. For in doing so I didn’t have to look at myself; I was already in the right from the start, being in the convenient conviction that ‘I am not like him’ - that I am actually ‘better’.
Truly, regardless of these ‘painful realizations’, I am really happy I checked myself in that moment. For these realizations didn’t diminish me but actually empowered me! I stood, in my Self-Honesty while checking the reality of the situation - ultimately enabling myself to see myself being caught in my own convictions and the negative influence they had on my interactions with another. For all I know, if unchecked, my/our mutual dislike could very well have ended up being a self-fulfilling prophecy where I rejected him, which he would have picked up on, to which he would have reacted in mutual rejection etc. – with the end-result of us not liking each other. And why? Because I didn’t take the responsibility of checking myself while deciding to go with what came ‘naturally’ as my convictions and prejudices. That’s the reality of the matter.
Now all’s well that ends well in kitchen fairytales, and me and the ‘fixer man’ are much more in good spirits. Whenever he comes in (loudly or not), I greet him and he greets me back. We tend to make a couple of jokes and are sometimes somewhat saucy together. And you know what? I am enjoying it.
Doesn’t that make me just the rough simpleton I used to condemn? Man, we are all not so different after all when we are able to drop our prejudices and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and real with ourselves and others. And it can all happen in a split-second, in that moment of bravery to make that decision to test yourself – to step out of your comfort-zone and to face your fears and prejudices and to stand as your Self-Honesty.
And I am very happy I did that very thing, for it has an impact on how I interact with others from now on. For it changed my perception of a whole type of people I used to have 'little affinity' with (i.e. the rougher 'worker type'). I see now that these kind of people are not something 'against' me, but in fact can be cool human beings who are actually able to teach me something: that it is ok and actually fun to be a bit on the rougher and simpler side. And that is quite liberating as I can be the somewhat more reserved, serious and overthinking type in my ‘natural’ state.
And so this type of people has the potential to show and teach me something about the other side of the social spectrum, where there much to be gained in terms of mutual respect and understanding - topped and sauced with the potential of learning ‘foreign qualities’ that are regardless (and perhaps, especially so!) cool to play with – as for example ‘simplicity’, ‘directness’ and ‘being rougher’ in the communication while not being too politically correct about it all. And I like that! :)
So all in all it has been a great lesson. It opened up my perception of and attitude towards a whole new set and range of people. Where I initially tended to label these types in a negative way, I now see and realize more the qualities and potentials ‘these people’ can have on offer. The example of the more explosive and boisterous type of fun is quite priceless - and op top of it I gave myself the opportunity to learn some intriguing lessons about myself, about others and some of the unexplored qualities of Man that are ‘unlike my own’!
With this anecdotal blog I hope to have made a small contribution to showing others, as it has shown myself, to be more open and genuine towards ourselves and towards the others we tend to condemn and judge. This so we enable ourselves to find out more about the reality of ourselves and the things we can actually learn from others. Embodying the qualities of openness and Self-Honesty forms a foundation for personal growth within ourselves and in the understanding of other human beings. This, in turn, allows us to become more accepting, tolerant and interested in those we initially have a hard time dealing with.
It might not always be easy but as mankind we do need to find these qualities of openness and Self-Honesty, for the stigmatization and judgment of others is an ongoing and destructive force that will not benefit us in the end - as we are all on the same planet and ultimately have to make-do with each other. So why not make-do in mutual interest and in good spirits? Exactly, time for change brother! :)