Can I still cancel this?

I have told myself that this day is still somewhere far far away but out of the blue, here it was. Yesterday was the day when our daughter started her daycare. I spent half a day there with her but today she was on her own. I had told her that mommy will take her there in the morning and pick her up a bit later so she knew that I’m going to leave.

When I tried to let go of her hand, the tiny fingers were holding so tight that I had to really pull myself out of the grip. I felt a tiny lump in my throat but was able to hold the tears. I don’t think that reaction would have really helped her. When I left she was sitting there on a swing and didn’t cry or look after me. I was hopeful that the day would go okay.
As I went to get her she was calmly finishing her lunch at the table. I sighed out of relief and smiled at her. Soon the teacher came to me and said that she had been crying most of the day, sitting in her lap. Heart-breaking.

We wanted to postpone the start of the daycare for as long as possible because (like I have written before) she has multiple food allergies. It’s quite typical here that the mother (sometimes father) stays home with the kid about a year, then returns to work and the kid will go to the daycare, so our daughter is not the youngest in her group. In fact, she is the oldest. They have two teachers in the group of 12 under two-year old’s. I think the limit by law (when it comes to this age kids) is 4 kids per one teacher so I’m not quite sure how this daycare has planned it. When I spent that half a day there with her yesterday, it all seemed very chaotic. Obviously not enough hands to hold all the little ones who were crying after their parents. I hope it will somehow get more organized when the autumn season starts and everyone and everything will find their place.

The start of the daycare is never easy, I suppose, but for the parents of an allergy kid, it is a touch more stressful. During the first day she already got some symptoms, though we were very specific about the foods she can eat. I hope they will learn this too on the way, meanwhile I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Other small kids have started there at the same time than our daughter, so I’ve met some other mom’s as well (and one dad!). One mom came to me, tears in her eyes, obviously looking for some peer support saying: “Every day I’m thinking, is there any way to cancel this? “

I think that sentence describes this feeling best.

Hugs, Momone