How my birthdays go from boring to the worst party ever

For a few years now there has always been a full house at my birthday parties - even when it's happening at a small flat that clearly doesn't fit 60 people. My birthday is in winter, and a lot of people don't feel like going out then, since here, in Estonia, we don't have warm winter nights.

My birthdays start calm, boring, people don't know each other, they're scared to talk or get to know anyone, but at some point there's a friendly vibe, everyone starts doing shots or smoking together, talking about their life or school etc. And it goes on for hours - we all get along, no fights, no misunderstandings and then, someone snaps or more drunk people join the party. 

Two years ago, a guy who got invited, wasn't really that drunk to do anything stupid or stuff like that but I remember him groping me, without consent, at that time I was a bit shocked, therefore I didn't confront him in any way, just told him that I'm not into the mood and I don't think it's really a great idea. 

One year ago, I texted a friend of mine, because I felt alone, in my home, on my birthday, full of people I know and are close friends to me, and I was sad. He got the hint that I don't want them here, that I want them gone. He turned up with a group of guys, dressed in dark clothes, the atmosphere changed, there was clearly something out of order besides the fact that an already full flat is now more filled. I don't remember what happened, but a guy who was too drunk to care and control himself - he pulled out his gun, started pointing at everyone, waving it around and making it feel like it was all a joke, until he pulled the trigger. It was a BB gun. I know I stood there, in silent, with everyone else not knowing it was a BB gun - I panicked, I felt like I was collapsing and that night I had my first seizure. The anger grew and I almost tried to stab him with a broken tequila bottle, but I couldn't.

This year, my ex showed up with his best friend. They were super drunk. They made a huge mess spilling everything in about 30 minutes from getting to my birthday party. I went upstairs to get away from them and just to ease my mind. They also proceeded to follow me and I remember how my ex tried to lead me to a bedroom, while everyone was just watching me, trying to pull myself away from him. Nobody helped, because he was drunk and maybe I didn't express myself enough but I got out of his arms after awhile by punching him to his sleep. It didn't stop there. He and his friend made a more, huge mess in the main room. And there I was again, having a panic attack, I ran outside, with only flip-flops on my feet, wearing a sheer t-shirt and jeans that we're trashed. I fell somewhere to my knees, on a snow pile. It was about -10 °C, didn't feel like I was freezing, since I couldn't feel anything anymore. I just cried and cried, and I knew I needed someone to help me drag me out of there, so I  just screamed. I got the help I needed and wanted, warmed up, my friends held my ex away from he, that he couldn't find me. Eventually he did, when I was alone, not guarded my anyone. He tried to have sex with me again, I was distressed and I couldn't be rude to him, so I was nice, said no. After half an hour, they we're about to leave. I had been alone in the sauna for awhile now until my two friends ran up to me and told me there was a fight outside, a bloody fight. My ex and his friend were beating up one guy, it was pretty bad. I remember how I grabbed a butcher knife, for defense and then again ran with no outwear to the freezing snowy field. I was angry, how some people just stood and laughed, while a guy was getting beat up and how me, the birthday girl once again was out of her mind, with something in her hand that could hurt somebody.