My Diary. Part 3. Depression...Fear...

in life •  6 years ago 

Hello everyone!

I continue to publish my diary and the story of my illness. My thoughts, feelings and actions. I really hope that these lines will help someone.

Part 3

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Depression

My mental health as a cork in the sea - jumps on every wave, but never drowns. In difficult moments, I, like Mühnhausen, could always pull myself by a pigtail in relatively simple ways - talking with a friend, walking around the park, a delicious meal or a new clothes. If it was very hard, I locked myself at home for a couple of days and lived there between a sofa, a refrigerator, a pile of books and a TV set, waiting for the energy to accumulate, and everything will pass by itself. I was very stable in my instability. I did not fall into depression and did not see it close to myself. Perhaps that's why I could not recognize it. And I did not expect it now, after the operation, with almost safe breast and against the background of good news about complete pathomorphosis. As it turned out, in vain.

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It all started back in Israel, about a week after the operation. First, a sleep was gone. No, I wanted to sleep and fell asleep fast enough, but I woke up after a couple of hours. 2.30 AM became my morning. Enchanted time, a threshold that I could not cross. After waking up in bed, I went to watch TV or read a book, and only closer to 7 am, if lucky, was fall asleep for a little longer. This sleep did not refresh me and did not give strength. Yes, strictly speaking, it was not even a sleep. Like some tricky mechanism, I, left the active mode for a while, turned it off, so as not to burn out.
The most delicious food seemed foamy, and if not my mother, I would have stopped coming to the table. Tel Aviv was boiling, sparkling the sun and the sea in spring around me, but life lost its color, taste and smell. I seemed to be locked in a room and looked at everything through a soundproof and gray window from the dust.

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I returned to Moscow in complete apathy, and lived most of April. Such a wooden condition did not cause me suffering (quite the contrary), but there was a serious danger: my treatment was not over, and I stopped taking care of it. Almost a month has passed since the operation, when I just started looking for a place for postoperative paclitaxel. Now a week and a half of the May holidays are straight ahead, I have medicines on my hands, but there is neither a hospital nor a doctor ready to take me, and I'm in fear that with my own hands I can break the fragile and an intermediate success, so dear to me.
If I wrote a memo for friends and relatives of cancer patients, I would very much recommend them not to let the mood and capacity of a loved one out of control. In our situation, even the most active and organized can once feel that the forces are no more, that the only desire is to lie down and fall asleep. And for us, as for travelers in distress in the ice, it is impossible, because the price to such calmness is death.

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Bells

I am not develop with Christianity. It seems that everything is good in separate - I generally recognize the idea, I believe in the historical reality of Jesus, I get aesthetic pleasure in the church - but I can not, I do not rise from religion to faith. What about religion? It is from fear: the illusion of unity with a mass of like-minded people and by heart the familiar repetitive actions distract and reassure. The ceremonies are rocking the flock like children in the cradle, but for me, even frightened to death by my diagnosis, this was not enough. And I go with my illness myself, without crutches. Neither ask nor complain ...

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Fear

Fear accompanies all the way of treatment and never leaves for long. Sometimes looms in the distance, sometimes sits down next to me and takes my hand with a cold sticky palm. And it can sit like that for a long time, thin, silent and pale, watching me rush feverishly on the Internet in search of answers to another question. My fear is sleepless and fussy, and when I'm completely tired of it, I lay down and lie like dead, staring at the TV fixedly. Long, several days...

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It would probably be easier to cry, but I do not know how. I cried only once, when the hair began to fall out. I sobbed loud, stretching long strands of hair from once luxurious hair. Of course, it was necessary to get a haircut earlier, without waiting, but I hoped... That's why I was face to face with destruction. I roared, the ruins of hair on the edge of the bath all grew, and my mother evenly hid them in the palm, monotonously calming me. Either my mother's help helped me, or I was just tired, but the tears stopped quite quickly. I was able to contain them and the next day, when I was shaved in the salon cabin. I sobbed, but did not cry. And it was much harder.

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The worst thing is in pauses between treatments, when nothing happens. And now I seem to have found a chemotherapist, but because of the May holidays and her departure, the first course of paclitaxel shifts for the eighth week after the operation. The doctor says that with full pathomorphosis of the tumor, like at me, such a delay is not critical, but if it becomes psychologically easier for me, I can look for another chemotherapist and take the first course elsewhere. It's easy to say... And if suddenly this other place will become psychologically easier, and physically - more heavily. It is not a vitamins...
I phoned several clinics, collected information and agreed to think about it on Monday. Now I often negotiate with myself...

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I apologize for the possible mistakes that arose in the translation. There are idioms that are difficult to translate into another language.

You can read all parts of the diary here:

  1. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-1-farewell-to-my-hair
  2. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-1-friends-mama-it-started
  3. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-1-israel-hospital
  4. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-1-bells-relatives-about-luck
  5. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-1-presence-of-spirit-what-i-do-not-need-lighthouses-and-
  6. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-god-forbid-if-you-will-meet-it-again-you-have-not-seen-me-and-
  7. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-wonders-of-telephone-medicine
  8. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-traffic-cops-and-me-sometimes-i-feel-very-ashamed
  9. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-unexpected-side-of-israeli-medicine-oldness
  10. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-the-day-of-my-operation
  11. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-drainage-and-patriotism
  12. https://steemit.com/life/@obrenia/my-diary-part-2-children-is-our-future-gender-games
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I am reading this ironically while sitting at the Corpus Christi Cancer Center and I thought for a moment I was reading my autobiography. The only difference I see is the issue of faith. For me I'm not much on church or organized religion but my faith in God and belief of Jesus as tge perfector of faith is all that keeps me moving forward. Maybe it is nothing more than a psychological mind game but through faith my pathology report came back negative for cancer after my bowel resection. I am awaiting results now of a possible tumor or cyst on my liver and I'm holding fast to the promises of Christ having paid the price for my salvation and sufferings. Jesus. He raised the dead, healed the sick, caused the blibd to see... In Him alone I trust.
In Him alone I sit in this cold room waiting and sending you this message. Believe. If only we believe... Mountains can be moved and life restored. God bless you. Have a portion of my faith that you may endure.

Thank you very much for your comment! Maybe I mispronounced or misinterpreted my thoughts. I meant that I believe in Jesus' help, but I do not believe in the church in general. It is much easier for me to communicate with God one on one than to observe church rituals (icons, candles, holy water). This is what I meant...
I wish you a speedy recovery and may God protect you from all diseases!

I couldn't agree more with you. It's a personal relationship, one of actually knowing. I'll be praying with all love for you to receive your miracle.

[KJV] - 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Thank you so much for your kind words!

You are most welcome. I hold on to that verse and claim it as a promise. I still fall in to depressive moments a have debilitating panic attacks now and again. I'm learning to lean on Jesus when those moments arrive. It's not easy as I'm sure you well know. Indeed we deal with principalities of darkness in low places at times if not every day. Let your light shine. Pour out your love upon the world and fear not for the spirit of the most high is within you. You have the blood of royalty in you as well and are heir to the resurrection power of Christ. Believe, will it to occur with help from the Holy Spirit. Ask and it shall be given. Seek and you will find. I pray your heart grows warm and overflows with God's healing rain.

Very brave of yours to share this so openly!!

Thank you! It seems to me that this story can help people who have the same problems as me. And I hope that my story will help healthy people to appreciate life more!

Nice one and very interesting. This story will actually help people, that's what I think

I think so too! Thank you!

Please guys, though I am new here, always check on my blog from time to time, follow me and keep upvoting and commenting on my posts and I'll keep doing same for you. Thanks

Interesting blog....
Holp with prayers it will
Set you free....
I salute you!!!
Godspeed🤗😘🤗

Thank you so much! :)

That's quite a story, little steps go a long way.

Wow, very nice blog. :)

Thank you!

Seguro leíste Cien años de soledad y la historia del loco... Interesante. Te doy mi voto y te reesteeteo

Good blog :)

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When you read stories like this simply, you breathe and you tell yourself you have to go ahead and put desire to life.

Very nice...

Very interesting.I like this very much.

Your post had been curated by the @buildawhale team and mentioned here:

https://steemit.com/curation/@buildawhale/buildawhale-curation-digest-05-28-18

Keep up the good work and original content, everyone appreciates it!

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