I have worked with soul scars for over 20 years to identify and cure them. One is the abandonment wound we all bear to some extent. Although present from birth, it begins to be activated by the opposite-sex parent or their representative about age one.
Working on our beliefs always helps our wounds because they are nourished by various beliefs. The biggest abandonment hurting concept is that opposite-sex individuals only love us if they pay attention, support us, and seek us out. When this wound is severe, we feel it more in our close relationships.
When our injury is active, we wear a mask to reduce pain. Addict is the abandonment wound's mask. I use this word throughout this essay to describe someone with an active abandonment wound.
Another strong addict concept is that PLEASING is love. This is why the injury typically activates. From a spiritual standpoint, we need to remember what true love is. It's been forgotten throughout our lives. This is why addicts always feel abandoned.
Consider a small girl with a busy dad. Even though he tells his kid she's his princess at home, she's unhappy. She wants him to spend more time with her and less with his mother or work. She may even arrange for her mother to dispute with her to get her father to defend her.
She would feel cherished more. If he doesn't defend her, especially if the child thinks his mother is unfair in her punishments and that he's timid for not addressing her, she develops the hurt of betrayal, which is always associated with abandonment.
The addict still needs attention from his spouse as an adult. To cure this scar, we must experience situations when we feel abandoned to realise that others do not desert us. Not constantly being with our partner doesn't mean they don't love us. He has various jobs.
All of these behaviours exacerbate abandonment wounds. He must learn to love himself to cease seeking love from others. Accepting our differences is part of loving ourselves. We often act against what we were told was proper or wrong.
To love someone is to accept them as they are, without desiring to alter them, criticising them, or judging them. This means accepting that others have different preferences, strengths, weaknesses, desires, beliefs, fears, and needs than ours.
LIKE and LOVE differ clearly. You can love someone and not be able to please them or respond to their desires. Remember that you love him, but to completely love yourself and meet your needs, you can't please him right now. In some cases, the other individual doesn't want to please you.
Loving oneself also entails accepting that you fear abandonment and have changed your behaviour. Loving oneself implies accepting your current state. It allows you the right to be human and the time to become more autonomous and have better opposite-sex relationships.
Now that you realise the difference between pleasing and loving, you'll remember that no one has to please you and that you can be loved. People are more willing to please us when we have lesser expectations.
Many people confuse abandonment and rejection. Abandonment by a same-sex partner impacts your rejection wound differently. My book on the five wounds has more details.