How to Choose Socks

Life is so short. Why live it in less than perfect socks? You don’'t have to. Read on Grasshopper, and all will be revealed.

We’'ve moved so far beyond the fascia of the Roman Empire (strips of cloth or leather wrapped around one’'s feet) that the modern sock bears little resemblance to its humble ancestor. Those Romans and Greeks really knew how to yuck it up, when their actors were going to perform in a comedy, they’'d slip a soccus on each foot as a visual clue to their audiences (“Hey! It’s funny! Laugh!”), rather like today’'s cue cards or teleprompters. For tragedies, they instead wore thick-soled laced halfboots as a visual cue (“Hey! It’'s tragic! Shed a few tears!”).

It took several hundred years of trial-and-error experiments (for now at least, we won’'t mention that ugly little incident in East Anglia) but the Anglo-Saxons eventually caught on to the wise idea of covering their feet even if they did mangle the word a bit and call the noble raiment a socque.

Choosing the right socks is an extremely important task, ranking right up there with child-rearing and bringing peace to the Middle East. Don’'t treat it lightly like some fools do, hustling down the aisle at Target and grabbing a pair of socks with no more consideration than they'’d give to choosing one brand of paper clip over another.

Plan ahead before shopping. Write up a list describing what you expect from your socks. People in haste will grab a pair and throw them into the shopping cart as if mere utilitarian value was all that mattered. You know better than that. Do you want socks made out of cotton, wool, one of many synthetic fibers, or a blend of fibers? Should they go up only a few inches above your ankle (people in parts of the world other than the USA can multiply “a few” times 2.54 to obtain the equivalent distance in centimeters) or do you want them to rise almost to your knee? If you have extremely sensitive skin, you may need to settle for white socks but most people can choose from an almost overwhelming number of color choices. Which colors best reflect your core beliefs? Which highlight the “real you” and which draw so much attention to themselves that your own greatness pales in comparison? Write the list out with great care.

Choosing socks is a momentous thing indeed and some people may not be up to doing it themselves. You may want to consider getting professional advice. If so, be sure to pick a Sock Chooser certified by either The International Sock Institute or The Sock Chooser's Guild. If you can'’t afford their rates (well, good advice is rarely cheap) but still don'’t feel comfortable with the current level of your sock-choosing skills, there are many books available to guide you. Charles Dimplesnuffer'’s Sock Choosing for Dimwits and Judith Plufopple'’s Choosing Socks: A Step-By-Step Method are good all-around introductions and Luigi Imbroglio'’s Questi Sono Calzini Magnifici (recently translated into English as These Magnificent Socks) delves into some of the more arcane aspects of sock choice.

Ask yourself the tough questions. Write down a list of what you definitely want from your socks, what would be nice to have, and what’'s simply not acceptable. Certified Sock Choosers and your own research can provide excellent guidelines, but in the end, the final choice is yours. Even the best Sock Chooser can’'t completely understand your value system or your sense of aesthetics. He or she can guide you, but the final decision will have to be made by you.

The Celtic saying found inscribed on a cairn in southern Ireland is as true now as it was then: May you always choose the right socks.

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image source: Pixabay