Being confident is not what you think

I always remember looking at the popular kids in school and watching in awe as they glided effortlessly through the other kids, silently wishing that I could be as confident as they were. They never had any issues with other kids towing the line. Some kids were able to go through our school without lifting a fist, they survived on reputation alone, or through an older brother. I had a friend Ryan, everyone was scared of him and he was super popular. He winged it through reputation alone because his brother was known for being quite the head case. No-one messed with Ryan. He was my best friend, yet never stuck up for me in a fight, which was strange. I guess for the area that we lived in together it suited us at the time.

I was never a confident kid. I would mask my nerves by being silly and acting out, and that was most of the time. There would be occasions when I would feel so out of place, like Christmas, where friends would walk out with these fantastic new presents, and I'd have not very much. I'd have to invent some amazing thing I was given, or downplay their gifts. I look back and it's not something I'm proud of to be honest, downplaying the excitement of the other kids to big myself up. It's something that carried on well into adulthood for longer than I would have liked. See, I didn't think I had much going for myself so I had to invent awesome stuff, or shine a light on other people's failures to direct attention away from mine.

I really couldn't see my shine, I wish I had.

I had always thought confidence was standing tall, and breaking my fists against anything negative that came my way. I envisioned confident people as stacked muscle guys that didn't need to answer to anyone for whatever they did. I was sold the lie that confidence was being powerful and commanding, and not answering to anyone. Truth be told I was quite envious of those people. That's a guy thing, I'd love to hear what is sold to women regarding confidence in society, but confidence is so much more than standing tall.

It's about being comfortable in your own skin first and foremost. It's not about looking aggressive and scary constantly, it's about being open and approachable. Super confident people have an openness to them that sucks you in to their personality; you want to talk to them, open up to them. I watched a live YouTube cast with @soldier a few weeks ago, and I could tell that she was comfortable in herself. If you want to get an example, I'd say go look at her content and that's what confidence should look like. Not because she's pretty! You don't need to be pretty to be confident, that's an added bonus!

Being confident allows you to act vulnerable without feeling the need to shield it. As a kid I spent my entire youth protecting myself from bullies and pretending what they did and how they acted didn't have much effect on me, but that did more harm than good. I had stopped allowing myself to be vulnerable, like most men do, and shielded my emotions away from the pressures of society. I had become a slave to the perfect image of the person I was trying to create, when inwardly I was a red-hot ball of fiery emotion waiting to break free. I'm quite happy to say that some things make me feel sad, or others make me angry. We aren't taught that our emotions are natural, we are taught that we're being 'emotional' and it is associated negatively. If I want to be emotional I'll damn well be emotional; if you hurt me I'll tell you about it!

It's also about accepting accountability. I learned the hard way in my last job when I was always trying to shirk responsibility. Like the local Politician, blaming his opposition for something that has gone wrong. Accountability is about not being afraid to stand up and say, well, yeah, I've fucked up. I need to fix this. Turns out that I've fucked up a lot in life and I've had to accept the consequences for what I've done rather than hiding from them forever. It's about recognising your failings and working with what you have, rather than trying to wish them away.

Confidence is also about acceptance. Accepting that there are just things that I can't do. My friend, that's a brilliant mathematician can run rings around in a maths event. Does that mean he's better than me? No, just different. I don't need to feel like I'm the best at everything and it's about accepting that I'm not. That sometimes I'll find myself in situations well outside of my depth, and recognising that, and working with that, rather than trying to 'wing' it.

If you’d like to hear more on confidence, it is trust, honesty and safety in communication. Stay tuned for my podcast campaign in the next few weeks :)

Thanks for listening, hope you enjoyed :)