I read a great article from @cali-girl on facing her demons yesterday. It has changed the direction of my planned article today. It made me think. I love articles that do that! Here goes:

The darkness

If you've ever watched Dexter before you'll have heard him talk about his dark passenger often. The darkness that lives inside him that motivates him to kill. I'm of the mind that we all have dark passengers, every last one of us. In my eyes, the road to an easier life is to accept that the darkness lives within you; the potential to do great harm with very little effort. I can assure you there have been times when I've felt like strangling another car driver. I was once a sufferer of road rage, but that's another story. I accept that the darkness lives inside me too. I've come to terms with it and accepted that it exists. One would not be kind and empathetic without being tread on and shat upon themselves several million times, or, actually being the bully/user. I was once a great manipulator of people, and I have a lot of time for those that I see that trait in, seeing my younger self in there, crying, wanting to get out.

I love the term balance. One can't accept the light without also accepting the dark. I may write a good story on a positive note but please make no allusions that I'm a beacon of shining light. I too, have my massive failings. I feel life is a growth process, we pander to the positive and work on the bad. I had a discussion with my wife, just a few days ago, about how last year I made her cry when she had done something nice for the family. It made me cringe, because a year further ahead I am no longer that person, obviously I had learned from the experience.

There is no such thing as perfection

Perfection is a bullshit word. Yesterday I made my Son cry because I wanted to write something for my website and talk to my marketing guru, and yet, I could have sat with him for half an hour where he showed me his cool new tricks, but no, I had to do what I wanted. I could have shelved my plans until the night time but there's a burning need inside me to do the things I think are good ideas right there and then. It's my impulse side. It drives my wife crackers and neglects my Son on occasion. I'll hopefully learn from that experience.

Then there are my friendships. I wound one of my friends up the wall a few days ago because it took me two hours to get back to him on a question he had. Not because I was busy, or that I didn't see his question, but I was talking to other people at the time. I go through fads with my friendships and that is perhaps something I need to work on a little better. I do try by giving all my friends equal space, yet, I do slip on occasion. I'm no beacon of perfection as I say.

I'm staggeringly selfish

My selfishness sucks. I was raised an only child and to say the world revolves around me is an understatement. It's partly why I like to grow audiences and connect communities. People say I'm a great giver but I'm also terribly selfish. Last year I gave a friend a non-committal amount of money so that he could put a deposit on his rental house. People say that's such a selfless thing to do, yet, underneath it all, I did it for me. I did it to feel good about myself. Making a difference, as much as it is to do with others, it's also a lot about me too. Some of the largest acts of selflessness are also incredibly selfish. Bill Gates for example, widely revered in the Charity sector for his giving and charitable ways probably does that in some way to balance the mindset he has, to convince himself that he actually is, a good person. Just look at all the businesses he helped grow? It's an alternative look on giving for sure.

Then there's my Family. As much as it annoys me that they don't come here to visit, or never make the effort to contact me, I can do better. Much better. I'm always telling people that if something isn't working for you, don't get mad, change it. Yet here I am, waiting for them to finally announce their next visit on tender hooks because the last time we saw them an Ice Age had passed. Maybe it's time I just suck it up and visit them, no? It's always different with family, it's hard, because you expect better. My Mum should know better, but sometimes I feel I'm further ahead than her in life.

My burdens, not yours!

These are my burdens, though. My dark passengers. I've accepted them for what they are. I stopped running perhaps ten or so years ago, u-turned and faced them head on. I began to recognise my arseholery and work with it to make myself a better person; not to the outside world, I couldn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks, only to me, my opinion of myself. It dawned on me over the last few years that spending all this time, trying to only highlight my good parts, trying to get people to see me in a good light; it makes no difference in the end if I don't see myself in a good light, right? How will I teach people to love themselves, and those around them if I don't love myself and those around me? I'm the only person that matters in my world. That is why I'm a great believer in leading by example. If you truly love the person that you are, then you can transfer that warmth onto other people. I think, anyway.

At the very least I've accepted me for the person that I am. Flawed, selfish, occasionally arrogant, inconsiderate and loves indirect attention. That's me, warts and all! What about you?

Thanks for reading!