Why past experiences impact heavily on your present

Ahh. Those past experiences huh? Women just string you along forever? Never really knowing if you can ask her out or not? Men treated you like a wasteful rag that they can toss aside whenever they feel like it? Yup. Life is damn hard. Take a little time to think back on your life, and I bet, whatever the circumstances, you’ve had it tough. The difference is your perspective on things, though.

Let’s take a wander back into my earlier life. You’ll find an energetic and athletic young boy with passion and enthusiasm, keen to meet his first new love wherever he can get it… buuut he’s absolutely rubbish with people. I love the film Hitch. It’s a diamond. It’s me in a nutshell. This was me in my 18s to 26s:

So you see I was sadly a bit lacking with women. No, scrub that I was terrible, and the women that took me on as their own weren’t the most trustworthy. I’ve been left in bars on my own, cheated on, dumped by text, dumped by phone, laughed at, humiliated and my heart ripped out of my chest and stamped on in front of me. So you see, when I met Natalie trust was a HUGE issue for me, and I think she knew that.

Trust in my opinion is more of an “on the surface” thing. It’s the result of a combination of emotions and body reactions and what we display to ourselves and others. I think it all boils down self-worth, and self-confidence. My Dad didn’t know how to properly love himself; he inflicted such grief on my Mum that she spent a lifetime getting over it, and still is. He didn’t trust anyone, he didn’t love anyone, and he drank enough alcohol to worry the hardest sailor of the 15th Century. Why? Well, he didn’t love himself. He didn’t trust himself. He felt so low about himself that he obliterated those feelings with alcohol.

One cannot love, trust and look after another person if they don’t properly know how to do it themselves.

So that was me, abandoned by an unloving, uncaring, unsympathetic father into the wide cruel world. Oh, I had my Mum, my Grans and Grandads, and my Aunties and Uncles, but you know, as a young boy, your father is your role model. How did I take my life forward? I continued the self-hate. I drank, I got stoned and I sheepishly asked women out at the worst possible times ever. I wasn’t taught to love myself. I can’t just learn it for myself. You could think of emotions as a trade, they just don’t come naturally. You aren’t born and instantly a neuro-surgeon; and similarly you aren’t just born and instantly learn to love.

It can be said the same for past relationships too. Boy do these have an impact on the psychology of your mind. When we hook up with toxic people, be they abusers or manipulators; they trick us into thinking we are really bad people when we’re not, we’re just the average Joe trying to make sense of it all. But the abuser/manipulator will trick you into thinking you are a horrible person, and with the ultimate aim of lowering your self-esteem so that they themselves can feel better than you. There is no collaboration with these Toxic people, they view the world very narrow mindedly and see any attempt of help, or cohesion as an attempt to “best” them. It’s difficult stuff. Stay well clear.

Anyway, long term relationships spent with chronic abusers can often leave you fragile, abused; a mere shadow of your former self, and it takes a lot of work to build that back up again. If you think back to when I told you that I had self-love issues then this is what can happen to the abused. One cannot love another person if they have spent so long without knowing love? Right? It’s not their fault. Honestly.

So, what do you do when you realise this is you? That you’re destined for a life of repeating other people’s rubbish mistakes? As I sadly found out? Well I’d say firstly surround yourself with awesome people. You know? People that empower you, or make you feel that you can make your own decisions, and most importantly don’t judge you.

Then I’d say start finding yourself. What do you enjoy? What would you like to do? Get a hobby and go and have fun. It can be anything from golf to go karting whilst para-sailing. I’m absolutely sure there’s something for you whatever your tastes. And there will be people to meet too!

Drink tons? Then stop! Drinking is a depressant and contributes to feeling constantly depressed. Honestly! As soon as I stopped the consistent alcohol my intelligence grew about 50 points, and I became consistently happy in about six months.

Introspection! Find out why you do the damn weird things that you do and if they make your life a problem then find out how to stop them!

Decisions! Trust your gut and go with it. The mind is heavily biased on your life experiences, which may or may not be a good thing! Your gut never, ever lies to you. Honestly!