Arguments without hate, a noble goal.

I have seen and been part of a lot of discussions on Steemit. Subjects vary but a common theme seems to be, to me, that people take sides and cliques form. We lock ourselves in an echo room that constantly confirms our own opinions. We block any opposing views and label those that express them as "enemies" or "haters".

I want to present a different take on what an argument is or maybe, what it can be:

• a discussion at which end, you won't have made an enemy but discovered a worthy discussion partner.

• a way to enrich your own position and better understand your stand on a subject.

How many times did you feel railed up and hyper after a heated discussion?
You know that feeling. You feel like the other guy is a MORON for not understanding your brilliant argument. I know that I get like that, and I NEED TO PROVE THAT PERSON WRONG! But that's just the thing, when I catch myself in that mode, I know I made it personal. I already lost, it's not about me or my ego. Most arguments are not personal and should not be.
I should be able to disagree with you on any subject and still be able to enjoy a beer together IF we essentially like each other.

There are a few ways to achieve this, and not let any heated debate transform into a roaring fire that eats up any possibility of an amicable relation in the future. For me, the first one is being very careful not to got "ad hominem"

It's so tempting to attack a person instead of its argument. It's so easy to call people idiots, stupid, close minded or a bunch of other stuff when what they say it's against your views or maybe even stupid.
Another knee-jerk reaction: to hear a different opinion as an attack against you.

To hear "you are not informed on the matter" as "You are an uneducated person", to think that someone is attacking the very essence of who you are instead of the essence of what you say. In other words, to take it personally. That's how all wars start.

It's a classic fallacy and we, all, have fallen in its trap. By remaining aware of its failing, can make us all better.

If you don't go on the ad hominem route then we are already headed towards a nice argument. Yet for that. So how to achieve that?
There is an art to the argument, something that in today's culture of "my opinion is as valuable as yours, my arguments are just as good" seems to have been forgotten. People study the art of debate since forever. Just read " The Apology of Socrates by Plato" and tell me that's not amazing.

Understand that you won't win most arguments.
In fact, there is no WIN. Maybe you are right, maybe I am right maybe that person is plain WRONG but the value of your arguments is not measured in how many "wrong" opinions you have changed. It's just not possible to change most people's mind even with a beautiful, logical and well supported argument. That's key here: You don't need the other side to admit defeat in order to "win".
If that's a goal, then you will always end up frustrated. You might always feel resentment towards people's obtuseness and resentments is a fertile ground for hate.

So what is the goal? For me, it's fine-tuning my own stand and keeping my mind opened to the counter-arguments. I usually end up understanding better why I believe what I believe. Sometimes,. I even realize I AM WRONG! [ ugh, not so often! ].

I believe in a code of conduct, in following...well, almost an algorithm to argument that tries to keep me honest to myself and not veer into pettiness and unnecessary attacks. In this great piece on Daniel Dennett, I have found a very good little guide that served as the skeleton to my argumentation online:

It's easy to follow and easy to apply..unless, I get heated and too passionate and fail. I fail a lot, i admit, because i usually argue over subjects that are very dear to me. But then, isn't everyone?
Which leads me to my final point.

Empathy towards the other person's state of mind and motives is necessary.
Sometimes, you need to forgive someone for going personal or understand his reasons. Sometimes you can forget even if you don't understand and think it's unfair. A humane and forgiving attitude, especially online, will save you time, energy and mental fatigue.
Holding onto resentment and hate is the most irrational thing to do: it's like holding on hot coal and hoping for the other person to get burned, it will only hurt yourself more.
That's why, at the end of the day, I try to LET IT GO.

But you might say:

All this is such a nice and peaceful view, nobody can live by it! People are not cool. They are nasty, hateful, vindictive and vicious, just look in the comment sections of any YouTube video, just look on Reddit. Those people don't deserve our empathy and common sense, they deserve our downvotes and our disgust!

I agree some people are just the worst. And I do agree applying this mentality to all arguments, all the time is hard and probably impossible. But I try and try.
I try the most because most people are not trolls, especially on Steemit. Most people are people I actually can respect, that I don't want to burn bridges with over an argument. It shouldn't be hard that hard to do that. I already do that with my friends, we argue and at the end of the day, we agree to disagree. We remain friends.

How much of a cool head you can keep in an argument is up to you, but my take is, the more the better.
Unless I argue with an absolute troll, I want to always leave a little space for peace. I value peace more than I value being always right.
Because if I win an argument, but lose a friend, what have I really won?

What do you think? How do you take your arguments: hot or cold? Leave a comment.