Lately I find myself asking a thousands questions and wondering how life could be if I had just done things differently. What if I gave up now before investing anymore time? Would my kids be happier if I go now or would we just reverse rolls and they be miserable because I made myself happy? Would I ever love again or just live life alone? My kids deserve a family though. Leaving behind everything wouldnt be easy but I would be around those that show they love me. I try to wonder how things will be if we could learn to love one another, will life ever be better or will it stay with the rhythm of one good day, two bad, three good, five sad? So much to think about and such hard decisions. I wonder how life would be if I just disappear. Too much pain and feeling like I am not were I should be but so much pain if I just throw it down the drain. I have changed and am not the person I used to be so I wonder if I am strong enough to do it on my own with not just one kid this time but three. I wonder if I should just forget happy endings, I am foolish right? Foolish to think that it would ever happen for me. Foolish to believe in such a thing. I wonder if anyone out there really finds a happily ever after or if its just fake like the one I try to convince of myself will eventually happen. Do you ever wonder if you are who you should be or if your meant to be more? I wonder all the time if I took a massive wrong turn. I wonder if life will ever have me feeling complete or should I just claim defeat.
Hindsight is always 20/20. But its not what is behind you that matters........its whats ahead.
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Can I tell you a story? I was once young and married a wife. She had 2 children already. I thought we were happy. One day she told me she had to leave. I could not understand that. I asked her to tell me what was wrong. She told me that there are things she will never tell me. Later I found out she was living with someone. That is when I decided to sign the divorce papers that she had her people write up. I hoped that she'd find happiness. Then I heard she married and they bought a house. Then I heard she divorced. Then I heard she married again after that. Then I heard they bought a house. Then I heard she divorced that person. Sad to hear that she married again and she divorced. After me she married and divorced 3 times. Also I heard from my ex-sister in-law that I was actually her 3rd husband when I thought I was her 2nd husband. Maybe that was the thing that she said that she will never tell me. Also sad to hear that her mom called me and her mom tells me that she has this large house in another state. That she looks really good now. Her mom wanted me to stay with her for a month. I guess her mom thought I may fall in love with her again. I told my ex-mom in-law, "Mom I'm sorry, but I can not go there for one month." No I can't go back. I am a different person now. The scripture says, Art thou loose from a wife, seek not a wife. That is where I am. What was it that made her want to marry and divorce so many times? I hope she finds Jesus.
Maybe before you do anything like leave you may want to seek help in Jesus. Find out what does the Bible say about marriage. If you move to quickly before you understand what you are really doing you might end up like my ex-wife. My ex-wife must have thought, "There is hope in the next one." What about working on the marriage that is already? What about working on being a more perfect wife? Are there demons in the marriage? Know that Jesus gave believers in him power to cast out devils in his name, in the name of Jesus.
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I have tried working on this marriage and as much as I dont want it to end I am tired of going in am endless circle. He has changed a lot and somethings I will never understand but we now believe in different things and have different things we like to do. He doesnt like the fun things I want to do and he has changed traditions we have carried out for the last couple of years. I try to understand but why should I be the only one to compromise? I dont feel like he tries to spend time with me and I dont feel like my feelings ever matter. He is disconnected and because of that my feelings are never understood. I want our family but if I am always doing things like holidays and special things with them alone then I just feel like he is not part of this family.
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I feel for you. Your story reminds me of this movie called, War Room (2015). In the movie he was going his own way and she just wasn't sure how to handle it. Please do what ever you can and get this movie. I have watched it several times. I think you will get your answers. On Amazon it has 5 stars out of 5 stars by 6,749 votes. She started to change and that forced him to change also. Before you do anything watch that movie.
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I love that movie! I have watched it several times and bought it after the third time of renting it. It is a good movie and maybe I should take that route to my marriage. Its just hard when I feel so hurt and alone but I will definitely try it more. Thank you :)
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I am so glad to hear you say that. I will pray for you and your family. I will leave you with this scripture, For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isaiah 41:13
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I have similar feelings a lot. Often with me wishing I hadn't wasted so much time on this or that. Nothing we can do but move forward and make the best decisions we can from now on. Good luck!
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