She's visiting again. Without my permission. Again. It's killing me inside. Gives me so many flashbacks with feelings. She has been here for about 30 minutes. Her usually visits. Calling on the door phone and on the door. I'm still not opening. She's been doing this for over 2 years now. She should have learned that I won't open for her because of how she is and all the history.
I'm afraid to go out in the stairwell to see if she has left. One time I did check and she was still standing there 1 hour later, holding the door. This is so scary. I feel really sorry for those people in my closet circle because she has a history to just show up at my friends' houses and ask them questions about me and so on.
I still don't understand how hard it is for her to understand that I don't want to have any contact with her. About three months ago she wrote a letter to me because I've changed my phone number so she can't terrorize me that way, that she would stop contacted me in any form but here we are again. In the same position, we have been in for the last 2 years. Last time I wrote to her, through text, that I needed a break and just breath for some time and that I would be in contact again when I was ready.
Apparently there has been someone who has died in my family, my aunt, which is, of course, really sad. I'm thinking that the aunts' death was because she was done here on earth and decided to leave us. Rest in peace Auntie.
The letter mother wrote is more disturbing to me. She wrote that if I'm not contacting her I'm a coldhearted woman and doesn't care about my family. This hurt a lot. I also know that she used these words to trap me and force me to contact her, which I won't of course. She's really mean and I don't trust anything she says or write because I'm thinking that she is trying to manipulate me into doing things I don't like. The whole letter was more like a threat than an invite for me to contact her and to go on the funeral. I'm not going. My family and relatives are very toxic so I will not attend the funeral, feels hard to say but it's the truth. I'm going to have a little ceremony on my own at home with some candles and frankincense to thank her for her time here on earth and wish the best of luck in the afterlife.
All this today made feel awful because it isn't funny that someone dies and that she was here terrorizing me and leaving letters in my postbox and that she has taken pictures of it and all that stuff. I'm feeling exhausted and don't want to go to work. I also know that I'm not cold-hearted. Before I left I was so numb and tired of all that happened in my family that I didn't have the energy to care. These days I'm more happy and calm than I was before and I've been fighting my own dark memories and feelings, which has improved a lot.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Safine