Dear Joshua,
What do I even want to say to you... it's so muddled and confusing, but I'm writing you because you're constantly on my mind. I thought that after our last communication, it would be the end, things would change, but no... you just kept popping back into my heart. I know that it's been crazy and I probably hurt you along the way, as I've hurt myself. On this path to try and become a better person and it hasn't been the most pleasant one. But, I will say that life is making me stronger and I'm getting back to my roots... finding out where I came from and who I came from. There was a big hole in my heart... unexplained and aching, desperate and pounding. It was driving me crazy, literally.
My only parent wasn't making things easy to deal with either. Angry because I wasn't able to handle it, not able to tell other people how I was feeling, what it was to be crying and yelling inside all at the same time. I've been selfish and mean and stubborn as a goat... and losing you was the worst thing to happen to me in a long time.
Not able to understand my own feelings and listening to the opinions of the people around me... and as much as I love them, they couldn't see what I saw, nor could they understand where I was coming from. There has always been a problem with finding the right words, the right space, the right emotion... the right path to follow. Growing up with all guys, and not having a loving, nurturing mother around, has greatly affected my being. Though the understanding of why things happened the way they did, has started opening up inside and becoming clearer each day.
My brother and I moved to Arizona and I remembered what you had said... "go to Phoenix and be with my family"... that has been THE BEST advice anyone has ever given me... honest to god.
I had so much resistance to coming here, because of the weather, the fact that it was a hot city in the middle of the desert, with no trees, hardly any water and flat as a book. But, life had other plans for us. And well... settling in with my family, and being around people who love me unconditionally, has been such a blessing. Being with people who knew my mother, who lived and breathed with her... laughed and cried with her... and who loved her so very dearly, has been the experience that's set everything into an upward flowing motion.
I've learned more about her, and I thank god and the heavens for this! She was the sunshine in my whole families' life, she was the one who lit up the room, was a shoulder to cry on for anyone, and a mother to everyone, and it didn't matter what you did or what you thought, she was there for all people. It feels like a weight has been lifted and even though there is still much more to heal, it's an enjoyable, fun and motivating dance now.
Joshua...
I've said things before and I didn't mean them, but I'm not asking you to forgive me, that's not why I'm sending this email. It's because you'll always be my sunflower and I could never stop loving you. Even though I've tried to move on... it's been fruitless. And deep down, I'm glad it's that way. You've been my muse this entire time, my inspiration!
Phoenix, Arizona, my birthplace, my home (for now), and really this area isn't so bad. There's a lot of opportunities, all you have to do is reach out and grasp it.
Well, you don't have to respond to this (unless you want to) it's just that you're still my world... and denying it was a decision made in a very stressful/unhealthy environment, and finally-finally, it's all uphill, here on out. I love you. I love you. I love you. That's the honest truth!
I only hope that from this, you'll always know that.
Thank you, for everything that you've done for me,
all the words, smiles, and radiant memories.
Forever in Gratitude,
Aparoksha
