Sunday

Today I didn't know what I wanted from this day. But I got up, had a delicious desayuno tipico and went to a local market. Bought food. Good, cheap food. No chicken though. But a good local cheese. Its good, i tried it already.
The market full of poeple, music from the church. Everybody has surprisingly exactly what you need to an unbeatable price. 

But to be honest, I was tired and not totally aware of my surroundings. I was mainly occupied by trying not to act too weird or rude. So I was rather quite. I also think poorly of myself when it comes to me as a constant talker and entertainer. I am not very amused with myself, to be honest. Although i think I am a decent guy, it just isn't funny when I hang out with myself. It's to serious. 

Anyway. The market was good. Lunch was kind of weird today, as it was little tiny snacks throughout the day. Like one of those delicious red bananas. Good they are just smooth! I meditated and did Qi Gong for one hour each. I didn't find much. Just feeling my body. This litmitation. And the pains and twists on different spots all over the body. 

I can't really tell what life actually should be. I still do not know and it feels the longer I ask this question, the less i know. But if I could choose, I'd love to have a peaceful life where I find that drink that makes me satisfied with myself. Where I don't freak out because of limitations. Because I don't feel the need to figure out what I could do differently, where I don't need to always have something to improve myself. I'd like a place with good food, happy friends, me totally me and some fun work to do. 

You know, I never thought I will end up like this. I never thought I might become so far off the track. The track of my true divine purpous. But it's funny to think that I actually became what I am today. Because that is me, after all this time. And tomorrow I will be different, wiser, older. I will havc some more experiences. Thats all. 

I don't think God will judge us. I think as long as we ourselfs do, we live in hell. And once we become free from our "sins", our expectations, hopes, fears and anxieties, once we break through all boundries, we enter heaven of our own heart. That heaven, where there is no judgement or insecurity but only respect, tolerance and the choice of happiness and kindnessin us to ourselfs, the world and the universe. Where we accept us the way we are and whatever we experienced, to let go of pain and to pure love.

that being said, the way is long and some pain will arise. But be aware, that I will always love you. Always. Don't give up, my friend, stay strong. As it gives me support to see you still going, so that I can keep going. 

I love this sunday. Because I experienced heaven everywhere. Hell was in me, but i can choose to move on.

Thank you for helping me. Together, we can be invincible! I love you so much!