But what do we do when we have the problem and no one seems to realize that? How can we become senders of a message that will not make the other feel angry or sad and thus defensive, cold or icy?
Fear of confrontation is always present in relationships and we’ve all had bad experiences of being confronted in a way that we wish to forget.
People do not easily like others telling them what they do wrong and get immediately offended without listening to what the other is trying to say. They answer back in a way that damages the relationship.
Dr. Thomas Gordon* focused on these situations and highlighted that if we do not express our problems and issues by fear of confrontation or lack of courage to tell other people that their behavior is creating a problem for us, bitterness and resentment will be felt so we must find the best way to express our feelings before it is late.
When we are the sender of the message, different assertive skills are required, which are far more different than listening skills.
So lets give a more vivid description of this version of communication.
Since I am the one who has the problem I will take full responsibility of my problem and will immediately forget the “You- message” which is every message starting with You. “You are selfish”, “ you never listen to what I am telling you” “ You never study enough” “ you are never here when I need you” and so on.
Instead I will adopt the “I- message” which means I have a problem caused by your behavior, not by you as a person and I feel rejected, disappointed, frustrated, angry…. (that’s the feeling part of the message).
Still the message is incomplete. We need to tell the other the concrete effect that the behavior has on us.
So I have the problem and :
-I need to describe the behavior in a non- blameful way.
-I need to describe my feelings.
-I need to explain in an assertive way the effect of the behavior on me.
Let’s see an example.
DESCRIPTION OF BEHAVIOR
When you leave the door open and it is cold the boiler works longer and
When you play on the computer more than what we agreed
When I leave for the office in the morning and the gas tank is almost empty
DESCRIPTION OF EFFECTS.
I will pay more on electricity bill
I can’t check my e- mails
I have to stop and get gas and that makes me late for work
DESCRIPTION OF FEELINGS
and I get very upset.
and I am worried of not being able to answer in time
and I am afraid I might loose my job
So try to remember the three parts: Behavior, Effect, Feeling and include all three of them, regardless of the order when you talk to others.
You are upset but the other needs to know what has he done, how you feel about it and why you feel like that.
At first it might look like a tool, an intellectual “method” chosen for a purpose but the more you implement this attitude, this way of communicating the more it becomes part of your being and is assimilated in a helpful way of expressing our feelings.
An open communication leads to a better and more authentic relation and these skills help us work with each other instead of against each other.
Let’s all make the effort.
Dr. Thomas Gordon is the author of PET and LET and founder of Gordon Training International.