I don't know how old you are Willy, but know that things will change, change is constant, it will not always be this way. If you can remove the negative influences in your life or leave behind those that bring you down, if that is viable, then by all means do it. You are loved Willy, and you will find companions who will love you for who you are, they are out there. I wish I could give you a hug.

Is counseling an option? or is there anyone you can reach out to for help? Maybe you could even consider psychedelic therapy. I have suffered from deep depression before so your words ring clear with me. This helped me tremendously. But definitely seek out a expert in this area and not go it alone. look into Ayahuasca, psilocybin or even MDMA therapy. Make no mistake this can be tough, and confronting the personal demons through this is not pleasant. Once again do not do this alone! But it has had tremendous success at treating depression and PTSD with lasting effects.

Don't make any big decisions when you are feeling your worst. If you can be positive about anything be positive that you can change this. I feel for you brother. Stay strong.