But, as I tell my students, the more resistance you feel, the more you should blurt it out.(Although not necessarily on a public platform unless you're sure that's safe for you, which it is for me.) So here goes.
Please notice this heart is in very neat pieces.
That mediation session I talked about in my last okayest post? I was so hopeful my heart is cracking as I speak because I thought for sure, walking away, that all could be well. I am not under the illusion that longstanding toxic patterns will resolve overnight, but I went in with hope.
I came out with anger. The longer I sit with what was said, the more I am hurt. This is unusual for me. I'm all about reframing with positivity. But that hope? A lot of that hope is gone or on pause or maybe in the stratosphere in occultation or something. What I'm sure of is I can't pin in down. And that's okay.
It's okay that my heart is broken. It's okay that my session didn't resolve the issues. And it's okay because it did make clear many other issues that will require resolving. I am able to see what the paths ahead are like--the path of least resistance where I live my own life free from the poison of grasping thorns, and the path of the damned, rife with bloodshed and emotional violence.
I am tired of hurting. I am tired of having to be the leader out of the quicksand. I don't want to roll onto any more bursts of fire to protect those I love so they can learn how to love me back without hurting me. So today I am thinking of just not doing that anymore.
Entertaining the thought of no longer working to save a relationship that is clearly not working to save me (or my children) is me being my okayest.
How are you doing your okayest today?
I hereby challenge @tawniwaters. What say you?Learn all about the #MyOkayest 7 Day Challenge here.
image from pixabay.com
How horrible to feel that something that should be a given, is only valued from one side. It is easy to tell someone to cut bait and fish somewhere else... but we've made these relationships so important in our societies that when they fail, we take the failure as something very personal. Unrequited love has been one of the themes of great tragedies. How can they not know how much we care. How can they be so cavalier with something we hold in such high esteem. I am so sorry for the pain, and while I love that you respect her for participating... in many ways, her attitude is so much like what is wrong with society these days... worthy only of a participation trophy, whereas you came dressed out to play. she can't realize what she's missing out on. Fortunately, we have you here... and we see you doing your okayest and doing it fine.
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Another comment hug. You win thw compassion award. I can only cry about the understanding here. Thank you.
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Your okayest always feels like so much more than most people's best. Sending love. <3
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That song that goes "always look at the bright side of life"? That's not me but I try, dammit. Otherwise it would be all gray and darkness. I am naturally peppy, but it has taken a lot of work to learn how to reframe things so I can be okay even when my heart feels punched.
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Sometimes letting go of toxic relationships, even family relationships, can be the most healing.
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Whatever happens, I am grateful there was willingness on my mom’s part to attend the session with me. We may do another where I set a goal of being heard, but I’m fairly sure she can’t hear me through her own inner monologue. Perhaps time will change things.
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That is something. More than most are willing to do. Sadly sometimes people just aren't capable of hearing what other's have to say. I hope she will though. It sounds like you really want to work on things and I hope that she can see how lucky she is that you do.
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I hope so too. Thank you for listening.
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Thanks for sharing. You’re words are always moving.
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❤️💙💛💚
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