I wish I was sitting in my girlfriend's house. Her arms are warm and I feel I fit there. Even though we haven't moved past the hugging stage or the exchange of small kisses. I wish I was sitting with her because it is good not to feel alone. I feel very alone.
I just came out to some family members. They minimized my life experiences and shared they suspect this is a phase. That gay is a phase for me, not some aspect of who I am I've fought for 20 years by throwing myself fully into the arms of men and trying to enjoy what I found there. Twenty years of therapy centered on releasing the trauma associated with hetero sex so I could have hetero sex without feeling trauma. Five years of cautiously feeling out the term "bisexual" when I realized there are women in all my fantasies. That I have to conjure them to stay in any moment. That I have done so since I was six in my room planning to be married.
This is not a phase. It is not a result of trauma. This is how I was born.
I see myself now in every reflective surface. The image scares me. I want to hide. But what is left to hide from? I've already hidden gay from myself for a lifetime. Not hiding is the only chance to be free.
I feel broken, but I'm not broken. And that's why I know I will be okay.
Society is broken, it should be able to accept us but often it can’t. I hope that awareness that society is broken not you will eventually make it’s way to a blossoming self-esteem. It is so hard to overcome the judgement of those we love. So much ignorance.
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THank you @edouard. It is very difficult to sit with the knowledge that I've been brainwashed for my entire life. Yes, I was raped by men. No, that is not why I don't like sex with men. Being a lesbian was never an option before now, so even I assumed I was broken.
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Thank you for trusting me enough to share the harsh reality that colours your life. I am so angry at your aggressors for having hurt you so. I hope you can find a great community to support you.
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I think there's one right here. ^^ <3
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It's OK to be happy. Give yourself permission.
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I am truly going to try. Right now I feel like I am finally living, but there is so much potential for others to hurt from me embracing myself I feel equally afraid.
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I wrestle with my sexuality every day as a result of past injury. Lately I just think of it as water, being fluid like, changing but not. One day I feel I'm this, the next that. If I had to label it, it would sound something like I'm an asexual, closeted transgender, living life in limbo. Underneath it all I simply want to be loved but I'm different and difficult. I'm so misunderstood, mostly because I am conflicted and confused my own damned self. Who am I? I am. Why am I here? I am. What for? I am. That is the only answer I know to those essential questions. Love is so delicate and difficult for those of us touched. It does seem to get easier with age if that's any consolation. Hang in there, hold on to all hope, have faith, believe. Trust your intuition for it is a gift.
Limbo
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I deeply appreciate you sharing this with me. It is tremendously helpful. <3
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I support you wholeheartedly @shawnamawna and you are still my MUSE.
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Thank you so much @rensoul17. This is a hard-won realization, and not the one I was working for.
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I know how you feel. I tried to pray away the gay when I was in high school and it didn't work out for me.
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I am so sorry you had that experience. I'm glad you know who you are. I am still wondering how I managed to hide this from myself for so long.
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Thank you so much @many-voices. <3
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