What to do now???

What to do now???
Here I am in the middle of the night, I can't sleep. So I find this app, I really search for something which I can share my thoughts and feelings, without being judge.

I am working abroad ( means outside of my own country).

I have so many things going on in my mind. Like what will I do after my contract? Should I go back again?

Or like, the usual question to me nowadays, "When will I get married?", Whenever I came across this question I just smile, if its as easy as buying a grocery, I have definitely married, I wouldn't reach my age without a boyfriend. But it's not.

My heart situation is so complicated. 3 years ago I meet a man online, yeah I have my warned myself a thousand times not to fall not to fall. What should​ I do, I just feel so comfortable​ talking, chatting, seeing him (through video) though we don't do silly things (I mean sex chat or whatever) its a decent one.

After several months of chatting I feel like liking him, he is from different country, but I have learned to love him as day passed. Until we got in to relationship that lasted for almost 2 years.

Without knowing anyone in his side, besides his best friend I don't know anyone else. In my part he knows everyone. To make the story short I also did some lies to him, just to get out of the relationship I pretend to be dying of cancer. Which eventually he comes to Know that its all a lie, which I admitted too. We separate then we got back again, because he forgives me, that makes me really fall for him. That in my mind, finally there is someone who is willing to accept me amidst my weakness.

On his part, I have come to know that he is a married man. Which of course hurt me. I break up with him upon knowing about it.

Several months have passed without communication, finally he chatted me again, that he is able to save my old number. I have Blocked him in every communication that is possible deleted every account​, change my account. But he saved my old number that I used in one of new account.

We started of having communication again. It feels like its the same us, talking to each other, i feel like my feelings for him is coming back and it.is growing much stronger this time.

Though we are not in relationship, but how we act and care reflects that we still have feelings for each other.

I can't deny that I still love him and he feels the same way, but the thing is he is already married, and had a kid. Never in my life I have dream to be a mistress, but my heart still belongs to him.

I tried to be in relationship with others, but I ended comparing him to him. So I stopped it.

Until now we still have communication, and I know with each passing day I am falling much to him. My mind is telling me to stop it, but my heart is not listening.

In my mind, I wanted to get out of my current situation, but I feel My feet wanted to stay.
My will power is too weak, to over power my heart at this moment.

Recently I have been watching videos of woman getting married to the man they loved, and I wanted that too. To walk down the aisle with my mom while she is still alive. And I know that if I choose to stay with him, never that will happen to me. That dream will never come true as he is already married.

As of now, I am still stuck with my stupid heart, that is not listening... I pray and wish that God will send me someone who is strong and courageous enough and patient​ to help me get out of this, I know​ it should be my choice, but I also know I can't do it alone...

Please I am writing this blog to share my experience and also to asked prayer that I might be able to get out of my current situation and for the Angel that God will sent to help me get through this.

Thank You for reading and God bless..