5 Months in Recovery!!!! To All Those Who Struggle.

         For a long time I used to use almost anything to get away from my feelings or to enhance them. Sometimes I just made the excuse that I needed to reset or I don't want to feel this way or I just want to feel great. So since the age of ten years old I was open to using the most two common things I could find in my area which were marijuana and alcohol. I would use my little bits of money I could either earn or get off from my parents to buy some marijuana from local high school kids. If that option wasn't readily available I would often take liquor and beer from friends parents. This continued for quite a few years.

        Many of us grew up this way. Some of us shook off those old habits and went on to be successful. Others kept using these and still functioned normal lives. Unlike those two groups a lot of us tried to live normal lives but our addiction to drugs or other things started to make things unmanageable. I slowly gave up the desire to progress in school always looking forward to getting to the weekend and eventually just to the end of day to "get my mind right" as I called it. 

        Eventually as this progressed I was trying to work my first job. I needed the money to keep using. My first job came to an end though when I showed up early and thought "I should go smoke a joint or two I have time." That ended my job at pushing shopping carts at a local groceries. I worked through that day but the next day I was too high to even muster up the strength to pretend I wanted to go to work. I was to proud to admit this fact though I lied to myself and said "They were just using me because I was the new guy." 

       So I kept into that same cycle getting a job and in the end losing it because my vision on things were so distorted from the truth. As I got older and older though new drugs where being introduced to me. Others I promised myself I would never do. Well one time during work as a laborer I was taking out old tile ceilings at a low rent hotel. I couldn't believe it but this is no lie it was like I was in a movie I took one tile out and a bag of white stuff feel to the floor. At first I disregarded it asking myself "Who the hell would hide salt in the ceiling." The a ticker went off in my brain and I immediately picked it up and an older man I was working with told me it must be cocaine. One of the drugs I had sworn off at that point. He did the "taste test" and said yup it sure is. We all split it and went our separate ways that night. A friend of mine did some with me and we smoked some of it too. I said hey I said I would never do it but I also didn't think it would fall out of a ceiling on me.

       A few years went by with me trying different sorts of drugs I never thought I would do. By the time I knew it I was living with 10+ people in a small one bedroom apartment selling synthetic weed to addicts in my town. I tried going to rehab when a friend of mine went into coma for 7 days and 2 of my other friends had to have their gull bladders and appendix  removed because this drug was rotting them out from the inside. This was short lived because I didn't the patience or the surrender inside me yet. 

       I began another run except this time I was using heroin through iv needles. This became short lived after a month of not coming down I fell into a terrible withdraws. I had lost 2 friends in the year previous to my final use and that was not enough to stop me. I became very determined this time that I could no longer live and use without ending up in jail, an institution or dieing. I stuck hard to the rigorous rehab program and when I cam home I stayed with some friends that where living a clean life. 

     Today I live a life of recovery. Instead of throwing up almost every single day I have not been sick once in the past 5 months. To all of those who are struggling know someone who is struggling or have lost someone we all know the pain that this lifestyle that shows drugs as being cool or acceptable is for from the truth. I am blessed to still be here today and the only way I can keep that attitude is remembering the struggles I have put me and my family through. I also urge all of those that think that a 12-step program is strictly for the religious is far from the truth. I believed this at one point but today my involvement in 12-step programs has saved my life. There is a group of people all facing a common struggle and goal.

           So in the end I know these times are often glorifying drug use or teaching people to have hate for addicts but there is a place where we can all find to learn to live the way we deserve. I'm just glad that I am able to live a life today where I am not dependent on the use of drugs to control my emotions anymore and I can finally blossom as the great hearted person I've always been inside.