I work in a big techy IT place that is always holding meetings to pat everyone on the back and tell us all how good we’ve done.
They used to let us all full telework which was literally the best thing since sliced bread… now I’ve NEVER done drugs in my life but if I had to explain to someone what full teleworking from home is like I would have to say it’s like being on cocaine while having sex and then after climaxing you take a jetpack and fly over the Grand Canyon…. Every day…. And that’s your whole day.
Telework was taken away from us because we got a new CEO who is pushing his late eighties. This crown jewel of a man doesn’t believe in telework, hell I wonder if he even has a smart phone or if he’s still rocking the landline. Obviously, this guy is not ‘keeping up with the times’ and doesn’t really care if teleworking saves the company money because they can shut down entire floors and save electricity since we can all do EVERYTHING from home anyway. His plan to get us together and be more like a team just goes to show that he doesn’t know that all of our meetings are virtual anyway, so this is almost just like one big punishment.
I guess I don’t have to verbalize that morale is at an all-time low around here.
To make matters worse they are pushing for EVERYTHING to be automated, I mean literally almost everything. Many people including myself have been tossed around into different groups to assist as my core functions have now recently become part of a new automated app the company released.
While I’m happy to still have a job, I can’t help but watch YouTube videos & Twitch streams and envy the kids playing videogames and making hilarious videos and basically sitting on their ass enjoying their job and still raking in like 500,000 dollars a year. Apparently, I was born too early because if I were 15 years old right now I have a feeling I’d be raking in the dough on one of these platforms.
Anyways, so I already talked about how the CEO is an old obsolete boob, but my boss is also pretty lame.
Is there some sort of requirement to be a noob that doesn’t know what’s going on to be a boss? I’ve heard the guy talk about how good he is at copying+pasting.
Having a meeting with this guy is pure torture since he can’t tell you at all what the meeting is about, why he called the meeting or what is expected of us. Instead, he stands there and just spews verbal diarrhea and throws in every single idiot-boss quote they tell you to use in management school.
You know what I’m talking about… he strings together phrases like this sometimes 12 or 14 of them in a row to make things as confusing as possible… here’s an example of how he talks to us in a meeting –
“"Hey guys when the rubber meets the road we're going to have to do some extreme CYA and look under the hood of this thing to see if this cat can still fight.... you know what I’m saying? You know, the bird is the word....we need to ask the customer... What's your bag? Lay it on me here guys, don't be bogartin’ the details... I'm going to need to catch you guys on the flip-side.... we don't want to be caught drinking the Kool-Aid with our pants down.. So let's just wrap our heads around this... we need to cut a few of our people, we just don't have the bandwidth here.... so let's just square the circle here... because we don't want to be putting lipstick on this pig if the shoe doesn't fit right! So what's your deliverable here guys, are you a team that's ready to stop having too many chiefs and not enough Indians? The ramifications here just don't add up... so let's stop drinking from the fire hose here... so put your game face on and get ready to grab the low-hanging fruit... I’m not comparing apples to apples here.... alright so let's go take a ready, aim, fire approach..."
After a few meetings like this it’s really hard fighting the urge to just stand up and say FUCK YOU AND THE ALIEN WAY THAT YOU TALK!
We must do our own reviews, of ourselves… and the only way you can get a raise is if you are one of the few individuals who can either kiss ass like a champion (not me) or prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you automated the entire building and did away with everyone’s jobs.
Meeting with the boss face to face about your end of the year performance rating used to be a one-time thing but now it has become a 5 times a year thing. “Let’s meet for your pre-pre-warmup end of the year review!”
Maybe the US will fully 100% legalize marijuana soon and then maybe I can just become a hemp farmer and everything will be much nicer after that…
