Fear

Today I have know fear.

And it's not to my liking.

In general I (and I expect almost everyone) don't come up against Mistress Fear very often. Where does she come in? The odd near miss at that mini-roundabout on the way to work? Fools that don't know how to drive, scaring me, but it's transitory, shock, anger perhaps, though, not sufficient time for real fear to slink in. Getting disciplined by the wife for purchasing the wrong exactitude of loo rolls Again. Opening the day's bills may be Mr Average's greatest common skirmish.

But, on the whole, it's a rare treat, a delicacy. And today, I can tell you, that delicacy left a bitter taste in my arid mouth. Breaking with recent habit of only enjoying nature's untainted bounty, I took a taste of human spoils, I visited a theme park.

It is a place for youngsters, a theme park. Of course, stands to reason, such setups are set up, geared up for the 6 to 16 year old brain. A mind unladen with the gravity and thorns that a further few decades of loss and calamity and earnest concern for the world, piles on.

I have always had a bit of a problem with falling. And before you snort, please, point out for me a human without wings, who hasn't. So it's rational, and yet not, it can't be rational to fear what happens when one is protected, and yet i do.

Went on this little rollercoaster and it was hard and bumpy with rapid descents, but I had time to gather my composure in between the insults to my equilibrium. Still, I felt a man wronged, when we got off.

Then, we were in the queue for an oscillating pirate ship. Not a fully circulating one, I would have not joined the misguided souls in that queue of masochism. Well, this ship rocked back and forth in an increasing fashion until becoming vertical in alternating direction, one might imagine voyaging the highest of high seas. It wasn't going over the top - not that bad. So, as we queued and I considered the mechanics of the system, then looked forward to my own likely response to the undulations of the boat, I began to suffer.

Rollercoaster style, I felt my mastery of myself dive and climb. I was my stern commander, stout of heart, captain of vessel and crew, then I was overcome, scared of what was to come. I could beat it, then I could not. There's a great physical measure to it of course, once you're on, the tummy can't take it and that can screw you up. But that was not my worry, my worry was the fall, its effect on my mind. My fear was Mistress Fear herself, and, by Christ, she won.

I did not know for sure she had won when I pulled down the rail that locks into place, immobilising the legs and providing an immovable hand-hold. Like the ship, I was in the balance. I imagined that the gradual incremental nature of the rocking would allow me to acclimatise. For the first couple of pendulations, the thinking held, I was on top of it, but the motion of the boat grew too rapidly. With the motion grew the fear and panic and those two unkind friends took over.

All I could do was cling on to that rail and stare at my feet, cutting out the ugly sight of the ground lurching around and concentrating on minimising the effects of the motion on my mind and body. I found that breathing in carefully, with most muscles taught, as the ship climbed and then switching to a controlled outward breath as the boat began to fall, seemed to hold in check the mounting horror and keep my stomach in roughly the right place, but it was a battle. A bloody battle.

It seemed to last for a long time, although looking at it objectively and watching a later ride, it was just about two minutes. Those minutes will remain with me a good while. Good value, you might joke - I won't laugh.

Two such minutes of entertainment I shall never again experience, not ever.