From Lovers To Parents: How Having Kids Puts Your Romantic Relationship At Test And At Risk

'' The real cradle that holds the baby is the emotional climate between new parents ''
-John Gottman

I will start this post by addressing a pretty common misconception related to the arrival of a baby in a romantic relationship. It may be an obvious one for some, but it’s nonetheless a false belief that is still around nowadays, particularly for younger couples I would say. And so the misconception is that having a child will bring a couple closer.
I actually have a little anecdote regarding it.

When I was 19 years old, I dated for a short period of time a guy that was 29 years old. The age difference did disturb him a little, which I understood, and it’s probably what led to the end of it eventually as he could not seem to fully accept it. However, I already knew then that I never wanted kids in the future, and I also knew what was up in the parenting game because I was reading on romantic relationships and marriages then. When the topic came along one day, I told him about my views on kids and how I knew that their arrival in a couple’s life did put a strain on the partnership. His response was exactly the misconception I addressed earlier. He told me that in the contrary, if anything, kids would obviously bring the couple closer because you get to see ''mini you'' growing up and you can all do stuff together and so on. Maybe I was a young 19 years old pup, but I was quite ahead of him in that department 😉

First and foremost, the biggest trap a couple can fall into as they add kids into the picture is to put their kids center stage. In fact, a child-focused marriage can be described as one inside which the spouses direct all their attention to the children. Sadly, this is also one of the false beliefs prevalent in our culture.

Doing so is a big mistake as with time, their children may end up being what will bind them together after all. Also, the couple risks of putting their relationship in the back burner. It is worth noting that becoming parents is far from being a small deal; it is rather a lifelong commitment. And so if a couple puts all their focus, time, energy and love on the baby, when the time will come that their children grow up and leave the nest, they may find themselves looking at each other and not even remember who their partner is, and what got them to fall in love with them in the first place.

On another note, psychological studies have shown that a couple’s satisfaction declines twice as quickly for couples with kids than for those without. Particularly when they are young, children are a lot of work. Especially in the first years, parents experience sleep-deprivation which thus enhances the likelihood of mood swings, lack of sexual desire, and obviously, they are adapting to this big change in their lives.

Needless to say, the move from lovers to parents is a big leap that can put a strain on even the best of marriages. The truth is that the foundation of the relationship changes forever because of the addition of the new roles (mom and dad), which changes a couple’s values, a couple's dynamic, their routine, you name it.

It is worth mentioning that patience, empathy, showing appreciation and gratitude to our partner even for the most trivial of things, and also keeping the lines of communication open at all times are the best antidotes for preserving a happy and healthy partnership.

Date nights should be scheduled regularly as they are what will keep the connection going between the two lovers. In today’s fast pace world, it’s often heard that lack of time, tiredness and guilt of leaving the kids behind, only to name a few, make parents choose to not go out only the two of them alone. It’s essential for the spouses to find a moment, even if it’s only two hours, for them to be able to talk and connect, and do so without talking about the kids (obviously), because the idea is to go back to the foundation of lovers.
Neglecting it could lead to an eventual loss of connection between the partners.

When you think about it, the relationship is the primal essence. It’s the initial foundation upon which you can add other layers to it, such as having children. In this sense, the relationship should come first. You were lovers before becoming parents, right? It’s a shame that in our society, saying we invest into our relationship before our kids can still be seen as something bad and negative. This just comes to show the lack of education that is still prevalent in today’s modern world.

While it is very important to provide children with love, attention and care, our whole world should not revolve around them. Besides, doing so is actually corelated with the epidemic of narcissism that is overly present in today’s modern world. Some parents may yield to every of their child’s demands because they love them and want to avoid seeing them sad, but in the long run, this decision can backfire, as the kids may think of themselves as special and thus become entitled. Not to mention that it is essential for kids to learn to face uncomfortable emotions and boredom so they can gradually learn to find ways to self-soothe. Raising resilient children is a goal worth striving for! And it is only by modeling it ourselves, that our children can learn from us.