I don’t like the human experience. Ain’t for me. Dissatisfied. I want my money back thank you. I’m a bundle of fake ass joy performing my way through life hiding my real ass tears behind the mask of a clown. Fake it till you make it they say.
I jokingly say that if I were to become a millionaire tomorrow by some stroke of enormous luck I’d still be chronically depressed. But it’s the truth. Would my depression be less severe at times? Probably. But at the end of the day, rich or broke my core remains the same.
Funnily enough, I find myself quite often these days dreaming about being rich. But not for the reasons you would think. I don’t want fancy cars luxurious mansions or nice clothes. I want freedom from the workforce. Because capitalism will be the death of me sooner than later. And maybe this is why I'm still holding on to life. Because I still have this hope in me that one day I could free myself from this suicidal system. But hey, your girl got a time limit over here. It'll be a miracle if I get past 40!
Having mental health problems makes living extremely hard. Just going through the motions of everyday life is a struggle. I honestly wish I could like most people do the whole 40 hour weekday thing. Not because I would genuinely want to, but because it’s the only way to ensure your survival. But hey, sucks to be me, my mental health has been the biggest barrier to me living somewhat of a normal existence.
I blow money like there’s no tomorrow because on some days I don’t want there to be a tomorrow. I thought for a long time that I’d call it quits after getting my degree because I knew that I couldn’t be a worker for the rest of my life. Having a normal functioning brain is a luxury I wish I could afford.
Dead but alive. That’s how I feel on most days. Living with abandonment issues is already a death in of itself. My nervous system reminds me of it on the regular. Gotta practice the art of non attachment my dear because people are unpredictable and that’s one hell of a scary thought to entertain for someone with an anxious attachment style.
I hate that I secretly love to be treated badly. Blame it on trauma bond baby. I just don’t care enough about life to try to win at it. So I resort to burning myself again and again as the thrill of danger makes me feel the most alive.
It baffles me how people take this shit day after day without doing anything drastic to try to put an end to this system. When you become so used to a way of life, no matter how profoundly toxic it is, you will keep on seeking it. One scoop of rationalization with a side of denial and we’re good to go. I guess the comforts of modern life are worthy enough that the majority of people keep on showing up to work day after day.
I wish I could hold onto life so tightly. There’s many things I love, but my hatred for the system I am trapped in is stronger than the love I have for the aspects of life that I do enjoy. You can have the perfect everything from the outside looking in and still be in a continuous state of profound sadness. It’s not a question of how much you have. Pain doesn’t discriminate. Our minds do.
If you wish to support me further, I accept all bitcoin donations.
Thanks so much!💙💜💙
BTC address:
3LvuMM8toNufsH9qkTts12VaULH8tezMZX
I can identify to some degree because I'm not a 9 to 5 person either. I don't know how others do it. Hopefully you'll find your niche, some alt way of working. I wish you well! :)
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we weren't meant to be slaves to an office. Maybe you need to do some traveling and find your special place, put a picture of it on your fridge, and that can make work more bearable knowing that you are working towards something real. You live in Canada if I'm not mistaken right? One of the most expensive places in the world. You'd be surprised how little money you need to retire early in a lot of the rest of the world.
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