Unequipped To Deal With The Dopamine Deficit – Why Schools Should Teach Us About The Psychology Of Romantic Love

" In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring each other that our costumes of identity are on straight. " -Ram Dass

It’s all fun and games until biology fucks us up in the ass with no lube. No warnings. No explanations. No nothing but lack of euphoria. And now you think you fell out of love? The truth is that you fell out of a chemical rush. Infatuation can impede anyone’s best judgment - especially when their brain is flooded with the undeniable power of lust and novelty.

Too bad schools never made it a mission to teach students about the science of romantic love. I can say with such certainty that if John Gottman, Sue Johnson and Esther Perel researches were made mandatory to read in school, the divorce rate wouldn’t be skyrocketing like it is now. I get that it’s more useful to keep algebra in the school curricula. No but for real, fuck society’s agenda!

Magic can only do the trick for so long. It’s not a surprise why between the 2nd and 3rd year respectively, many couples make the decision to separate. It’s not a coincidence either that it happens right about the same time as the powerful intoxicating cocktail of neurotransmitters starts to wear off. What can a scientist tell you. Idealizing someone forever is just not that sustainable - from a biological point of view. Butterflies in your stomach will now be a thing of the past, but don’t get upset just yet, the best is yet to come.

Romantic love is not what Walt Disney makes it to be, not what your Instagram feed makes it to be, nor what your own biased love map makes it out to be. Just like any other sciences, it involves theories and a host of information that are obviously not cool enough to make it to your trending Facebook page. But that’s the thing.

Love isn’t supposed to be a candy land ride. The chemistry, the sexy times, those are just the superficial rewards of being attracted to one another. Love is pain. Love is sacrifice. Love is a verb of action. It’s about choosing someone day in day out through dry spells, boredom, periods of disconnection, trials, through the daily mundane grind of everyday life. And to do just that requires more than great chemistry.

Romantic relationships are nothing less than a full time job. If you don’t show up for work days at a time, you’ll lose some of your precious investment in the emotional bank of your relationship. Commitment isn’t solely about having two names legally written on a piece of paper. It’s about honoring the person you chose to do life with daily. Even when they don’t put the mustard back in the fridge and forgot to pick the kids up at soccer practice. Never forget the Why behind it all. The bigger picture when things get real messy.

We need to get taught how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. People are in love with the idea in their minds of what a person is. When the reality no longer fits the dreamy narrative in their mind - better buckle up sister. Disaster is on the way. You can’t fulfill all of my needs on my own timeframe? No biggie. Someone else out there will!

This individualistic mindset is a slow killer. Thinking in terms of “me, me, me” is a sure route for disappointment and resentment down the road. But then again, I’m going back to playing the same rationale here : don’t teach people the fundamentals of life, and they won’t know. We, as humans, underestimate the power of what we don’t know, and it fucks us up real good.