We Aren’t Looking For Love – We’re Looking For Familiarity

The adage "we end up marrying our parents" may have some truth to it after all… (In fact it does…)

We don’t behave randomly.
Human beings are deeply attracted to the familiar. We unconsciously seek to reproduce familiar patterns. We’re the most drawn to people who activate certain parts of ourselves.
We’re a bit like that song we always put on repeat on our iPod. We just can’t get rid of it. It may get old with time, but it’s been there for so long, why delete it?

Depending on your personal upbringing, seeking the familiar may be tied to seeking toxicity. I have been there myself in the context of a previous romantic relationship, and it wasn’t a while after the madness ended that in retrospect, I came to realize what I’d wish I’d known all along.

It’s an irony to think that we can put ourselves in a position so that someone close to us can trigger our most dreaded fears. But in a way, it does make sense, as the response we get, even if it’s damaging to us, reinforces and preserves the wounds stored within ourselves.

Self-respect is sacred, and no one can give it to you but yourself.

The subconscious is stronger than anything, hence why it’s a very difficult task to break certain habits or patterns that have been holding us back for long enough. It does take a lot of persistence for one to behave in a way that is contrary to what you have been used to. It’s not easy to unlearn a deep-rooted behavior. But it’s often necessary. Otherwise, you ought to find yourself in the same situations you’ve always found yourself in, and never free yourself from those unhealthy ways. Our subconscious doesn’t thrive on logic. It thrives on what you’ve taught yourself to be true. Even if it’s far from being the actual truth.

Mary Ellen Hannibal puts it well in her book Good Parenting through your divorce :

"A divorce is often the result of having made an unconscious choice of mate, a choice that amplified your childhood issues rather than satisfied them. "

"A bad marriage is often a sort of repeat of the less than healthy situations you grew up in. "

It goes without saying that choosing a life partner is without a doubt one, if not the most important decision one will make in his life. To make a wise choice, healing your heart from all that it has endured is a smart road to take on before making such a decision.