It's not my business to tell anyone else how to live their lives. When it comes to family however, it's not always that easy. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say it's hard to ignore or not to get involved when your own mother seems to get it wrong, again and again.
For the last 15 years or so, she has been afraid of being by herself, and been drawn to people who were a bit broken. Before her premature medical retirement, she was a nurse. She also has 3 kids including myself. So I get it, maybe she puts her worth into how much she is needed. It breaks my heart as I'm not physically close enough to help, but I only wish I could say something, something that would shake her out of her intense need to be needed by someone who doesn't deserve to be taken care of.
It has escalated to violence now. I'm not sure who's in the wrong, as there are two sides to every story. But when I keep hearing stories from my sister about how my mother has been thrown out of the apartment, her asking my sister to call the cops, how she has gone crying to old friends for some respite... It makes me doubt that my mother is the bad guy here. The fact that her husband tends to go out and get drunk and look for fights supports my theory further.
She says she is fine when she is sober, but says she wants to move away when she is drunk. Is it because she wants to not be a burden or a let down that she denies what is going on? I am at a loss. I don't agree with how she lives her life, but it's not my decision to make.
I wish she would realise that her value is not confined to being needed, that she is important, that she should put herself first. I just cannot get into her brain, I can't see what she sees. She has family, she has friends, she doesn't have to fall further down the downward spiral. So why does she put being needed before being loved, safe, appreciated and accepted?
And will she snap out of it before it ruins her life forever?
One of my best friends in high school, a female, I'm male, had a mother who did a really bad job of picking mates. She stayed with one guy who was physically and mentally abusive for over two years. It takes a lot to break out of that cycle. nobody could convince her that something was wrong. I'm not a psychologist, but it's my belief that everyone has to hit their rock bottom before they make change. Everyone's rock bottom is different, one friend of min OD'd on heroin, that was his rock bottom. Another friend missed one of his kid's sports game because he was at the bar. That was his rock bottom, he hasn't drank since. We find our low, then we crawl out. That's our human nature. Our job on the sidelines of others lives is to help show them that the bottom Is getting close. We can only be warning signs on the road of life. Best of luck my friend.
Caveman
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"We can only be warning signs on the road of life" - will try to remember this one! Very good point, hopefully the rock bottom is reached sooner rather than later! Thanks for the thought.
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I'd like to say lovely article, but I really do feel your pain there!
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Thanks for your sincerity, @swedoise. It´s hard to say but maybe you cannot do anything. The only thing you can do is: be there, whenever she needs you. It´s a known pattern. I´ve lived it with a very good friend. Some people (often due to happenings in their own childhood) "need" to be under so.´s spell. There are several levels. Some of them just need having a partner who gives a direction, others need to be completely controlled and then there are people who even resist physical threat in a relationship believing it´s an intense form of love.
Usually the only way out is an extraordinarily "extreme" (not neccesarily violent) moment. But they´d have to experience it on their own. There is no chance to convince them just talking to them. Maybe they understand your point of view or even comprehend that they are doing a mistake. But they "can´t" leave it. They would always relaps into the same pattern.
Show her love and that you are there whatever happens. The closer her relationship with the family, the better your chances to get her out some day. Good luck! :-)
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Hey @surfermarly, I guess we may all have something we need from someone else. I wonder if it's too late to help (not teach) this dog to sit, but I will try my best to be there for her even though I can't be there physically. Hope the weather is still nice! ;)
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Yeah, that´s absolutely true. We all need something. But we / our inner happiness should not depend on it... Weather is always nice, sorry to say it like that :-)) Have a good day / eve (depending on your time zone).
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