So, a lot of you have stated that my ending felt a bit rushed and you wanted to know more about what all happened in further detail with my dad situation, and the years after all that went down. I admit, yes, it was rushed because I 1. haven't had the time to write in a while due to being an "everything" mom currently, as well as exhaustion. As most of you know I have been Homeschooling my son, on top of my "regular stay at home mom duties" and that takes up my entire day, whilst attempting to potty train my 2 year old, as well as running my ever busy farm... I digress. I have found time today to tie up those loose ends and explain what all went down.
After my dads visit and my son's 2nd birthday, things were on the mend. I began having semi regular contact with him and his fiance, and grew to really like her. The more I talked to him however, the more I felt like his stories and things just weren't adding up like I'd remembered. I kept my guard up, and let some things go, but mostly I was busy with family matters and shortly after, was pregnant with our daughter. (Her story can be found here) https://steemit.com/life/@that1drummergirl/my-story-pt-15
About a year after the visit, there was talk about attending his wedding. Everything in me didn't want to go. I had a pit in my stomach the whole time leading up to it, and just talking about it made me a tad nauseous. Let me clarify, I absolutely enjoy going to weddings. I have been to more weddings than most. They're beautiful, reflective, and who doesn't like to celebrate love and others happiness? I'm all for that! What I wasn't all for was the reality of "I still don't know this man". "Yes, I am his daughter but I don't feel like his daughter".
If we're are close, and you know me, then you know that one thing that drives me absolutely insane is "being fake". I am an upfront, abrasive, passionate, bold kind of person. I have had to work on being gentle with my words, and loving people well, but also still being able to me. I don't like to waste peoples time, and I feel it is better to communicate that, in love, than beat around the bush because you may hurt their feelings doing something YOU don't want to do in the first place.
His fiance and I talked back and forth on the idea of me going, and what that would look like over time, but Pete and I just didn't have the funds for us to go. She came up with a plan to pay for my flight. An offer too generous to decline.
"Hey Jenn, I think it would be really cool if we surprised your dad and make him believe that you're not coming, and instead I'm going to pick up a friend of mine from the airport, but really, it'll be you! It would be my gift to him!"
I wanted to be there for her, but my issue was I didn't want to go alone. It was supposed to only be for the weekend, and airfare was now covered.
But only for me.
Pete and I tried to figure out every possible way we could all go together, but we simply could not afford it, or make it happen. I was going solo. I hadn't stepped foot in Michigan since everything happened and frankly, I didn't know how I would handle that. Especially with my entire world remaining behind. I reluctantly said yes, after a solid week of prayer and many many phone calls to my aunt.
Why God? Why do I have to do this? What are you wanting out of all of this? I had so many questions, and as it got closer and closer to my departure, I tried everything in my power to back out. I finally let go, and surrendered all my uncertainties, and cried out; "Alright God, you know what you're doing and I trust you. I'll go."
The time came. I kissed my kids and Pete goodbye with tears in my eyes, squeezing tightly as if it were my last time I'd ever see them, and made my way through security and got to my gate. Pete stayed at the airport until I officially boarded the plane and was ready to take off, just in case. Knowing he was there gave me the peace and strength to keep going. After an hour delay, I was in my seat and headed to Michigan.
I arrived in Michigan, and low and behold the plan worked. He was very surprised, he hugged me with tears in his eyes, and I loaded my things into his car. We were headed to his place for the night, and then would later go up to his fiances parents house since it was closer to where the venue was to be held. I was exhausted. My emotions and everything leading up to arriving hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't sleep much prior to leaving because my brain wouldn't shut off. I thought about my kids, and wondered how they would do without mommy for the first time ever being away. Of course my heart went out to Pete because he had to man the house without me for 3 days. I know how stressful that is. Luckily I was able to text Pete 24/7 cause he understood everything I was going through. It was like he was there in my pocket. The 2 hour time difference didn't help things either. My nerves were shot. I felt bad on top of that, because I was trying so diligently to quit smoking and had been doing well for a decent amount of time. I caved from the stress of it all, and ended up buying a few packs of cigarettes. I didn't know how else to calm my nerves, and they seemed to work, if only for a little.
Before the reception they wanted to show me the sights, and take me places which was nice, cause that took some of the edge off. We went put-put golfing which was a blast, and then out to eat a couple times, and then went to a lake (Cant remember the name) around sunset. It was massive and gorgeous and definitely was a breath of fresh air. I tried to stay as close to his fiance as possible because I was still very much so on edge. I wanted to be respectful, but I also wanted to have some time to decompress. We arrived at her parents place which was lovely! My kind of place, tucked away in the rural areas of nothingness. Amish country for sure. Her parents were the sweetest, most kind-hearted individuals ever. They welcomed me with open arms, and hugged me like I was a long lost relative they'd been longing to see. Their embrace was much needed and gave me a sense of peace. We stayed up talking and sharing stories and playing catch up with one another, and then it was early to bed because the wedding reception was the the following day. We went over the game plan, and discussed what all tomorrow would look like, and who was in charge of what. I was excited to help. It kept my mind busy and was the least I could do.
The following day came like it always does, and it was soon time for the reception and people to arrive. We spent all morning and afternoon setting up the tables, decorations and what not. I relaxed by smoking my lungs out as more and more people trickled in. Still a wreck but hiding it very well, I greeted and welcomed people. I introduced myself, and gave them the general layout of how the evening was to go and lead them to their tables.
My mind raced. The moment I was dreading was close at hand. I didn't want to do the "daddy-daughter" dance. Everything in me cringed at the thought. I didn't see him as my father anymore. Yes, biologically, of course. Everything was happening way too fast. I would've much rather sat this one out and would've felt more comfortable slow dancing with a complete stranger, than him. He was persistent. We were going to do the dance. 4 minutes and 20 seconds. That's how long Def Leppards "Two Steps Behind" was. It was settled. It was happening.
The time came, and the DJ called out. I was in the bathroom. I had to change because I was so sweaty leading up to this moment, my shirt was drenched. The only other shirt I had brought with me was a grey Guns N Roses T-shirt. If I wasn't more uncomfortable before, I was now.
The song started and I didn't know where to put my hands. All eyes were on us, which I couldn't stand. I rocked left and right slowly, and made sure to tell the photographer, please, no pictures as my discomfort was plain to see and could no longer be hidden. As he looked in my eyes, I kept looking everywhere but into his. I told him this was so uncomfortable for me, and awkward and he kept telling me it wasn't and how happy he was that I was there. I told him I was relentless, and it took a lot for me to say yes, but I loved his now wife enough to take her up on her offer, and that I hoped he enjoyed my being there. The song ended, and before he could lean in to hug or kiss me, I was outside with another cigarette lit and exhaling the relief cloud of smoke into the thick air. I heard the mother/son song start to play in the distance so I knew I was safe as far as guests were concerned, and distractions, and just then, it started to rain.
I let the rain wash over me as though it were Gods way of telling me, "You did it, kiddo!" You can relax now."
What my dad didn't know leading up to that dance was, I had taken it upon myself to go through his phone while he was busy getting pizzas and ice earlier in the day. Being the rural out in the middle of nowhere type place, I had had a good amount of time to do so. Like any family member does, I was originally going through his phone to send myself the pictures we had taken the previous day, and killing the time. What was a mindless act of innocence and harmless intent, ended up being a discovery of proportions I wished I'd never made.
As I stated in my story at the very beginning, my dad has a history, for understandable reasons, he doesn't like bringing up. Being a registered sex offender, that makes sense. But see, I was lead to believe he was a changed man. That pit in my stomach I'd had before leaving, and the hesitancy? It was the Holy Spirit warning and guiding me. It was the real reason behind my "yes" and being there.
At one point of the visit, I had had about 3 minutes alone with his bride. Everywhere we went he followed and hovered just enough to be in listening distance. We were grateful for the time alone, to say the least. While we were alone she asked me a question I never thought I'd hear.
"Hey Jenn, I gotta know something, and it's okay if you don't want to tell me, I'll respect that.
Sure, whats up? I'm an open book... What do you want to know?
"Did your dad actually do those things to you? Like, you know... Did he actually touch you inappropriately?"
"What? why?! Of course he did! Why? Did he say he didn't?"
"Well, he's just told me and all my family members and the church, that he was falsely accused, and went to jail for just giving you a bath..."
Just then he came walking up to where we were talking.
Everything okay? He asked. Yeah, I'm fine. We were just talking about the reception...
I was livid! I could not believe what I was hearing. You mean to tell me this whole time he has been telling people that he was falsely accused! What does that make me!? That means everything that I went through was for nothing! That means all the memories, and foster homes, and therapy, let alone trauma of it all, was a lie? My story is a lie?! No. No way. I cannot let this continue any longer. I need to set this straight. I could not believe this...
What happened to me was atrocious! I wouldn't wish what happened to me, and the other girls, on my worst enemy! No child should ever have to experience the vile things I endured. And then to turn around and say it was all a lie? Makes me want to vomit.
After that visit, I went home and immediately told Pete everything. I then called my aunts and told them the same thing! The more I talked about it, the better it felt. I needed to vent and vent for a long time after. I didn't know what I could do to right his wrong. Technically speaking, he was still a free man. He did his time, was no longer on parole and after talking to his parole officer yet again, he confirmed the same thing. Nothing can be done. Unless he actually re-offends, or has justifiable evidence, we were at a loss.
I told his bride about the photos, and she too knew about them and questioned him on them. I know what you're thinking.... evidence right? Wrong. It wasn't enough to go off of.
Now, let me make something clear. No, he has not hurt another child or re-offended. He is a free man as of right now. Do I personally think he will? I can't answer that. Everything in me wants to say no, but with what I saw and heard, and witnessed in the 3 days I was there and over time, I left with more questions than answers. I wish the best for him. I do. But I also am a mom now, and know the horrors I went through, and I would stop at nothing to protect not only mine, but future children from becoming the victim I once was.
The whole reason behind sharing my story is to not only share my past pain and heartache to potentially help others, but also to shed some light on the fact that God truly restores the awful things you've gone through in life and uses them to help others.
I went to his reception full of fear and uncertainty and an uneasiness in my spirit, and I went home feeling like God was doing something mighty in me and having more clarity. I now knew why it was imperative I be there. It was so I could not only right his wrong and tell the whole truth, and give credit where credit is due, but also, I believe that if something were to happen again, I would be the new voice to defend and be there for any other future victims.
It wasn't long after that visit that he and his bride got a divorce. I wished she'd never had to go through what she did, but I like to say we still won in the end. She gained a daughter, and he lost his. God has a unique way of using the broken and hurting for His kingdom. I am now an ambassador and voice for children and youth in similar situations and abusive homes, and her and I have a relationship like no other. She is one of my best friends and I am proud of the woman she is!
So this right here, is my ending.
I am no longer a victim. My story and everything I wrote is 100% true only the names have been changed.
I am happily married to Pete. My children are my miracles, and God is still challenging me in deeper and crazy awesome ways! I don't have a relationship with either of my biological parents, or brother. I feel the Lord has closed those chapters in my life, and I have been faithful to do all that He has called me to do when it comes to them. I have an amazing relationship with my aunts, my mother and father-in-law, and my adoptive parents. They are my support system and help keep my head screwed on right. I would be lost without them. So this too, is for you guys! Without you I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. Thank you for standing by me, praying, crying, and listening to me before, during, and after this journey! I love you with the deepest love I can give.
--I want to extend a huge Thank You to those of you following along, and for reading my story, and hearing my heart. I fully plan on actually publishing my story at some point in tangible form, and more in depth in the (hopefully) near future. If you have any questions you would like to ask me and/or would like to remain anonymous or maybe share your story, or comment on how mine has maybe helped you in any way, feel free to email me at [email protected] and I will get back to you.--