It's been a while since I have written anything, with the Holidays and all, so for those of you whom read part 9 before it was deleted, I thank you. It wasn't a pretty part of my life, and I am not proud of it in the least, but I would like to continue to tell you how I overcame and dealt with it all. For those of you who are joining me after its deletion, I apologize and out of respect, I will not be posting part 9 up again. I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season, and are getting back into the swing of life and the New Year, with ease. So without further adieu, I bring you, Part 10 of my story.
Beauty In the Midst Of Pain:
My life from that point was a dark, deep, depressive pit of awful. I did everything in my power to cope with the pain of my choices, and only went on a rapid downward spiral from there. I started smoking, I turned to drugs and alcohol, and I darn near burned every bridge I could with majority of the people still left in my life. It was me, myself, and I against the world. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of being let down. I was tired of trusting people and putting myself in awful situations. I couldn't stand who I was as a person, and I wanted nothing more than to end my life. I can't tell you how many times suicide was at the forefront of my mind, but that was never a successful option for me. I was tired of the abusive, manipulative relationships that I got myself into. I was tired of hearing people say the words "I love you" only to not mean it, and have ulterior motives. I was tired of being used as another mans pleasure, and then kicked to the curb whenever a new young thing came waltzing in. I knew deep down that I deserved better, but "better" was always out of my reach.
I decided that after several years of this insane cycle that I'd entrapped myself in, that it might be time to slow down, and start picking up the broken pieces. I was 21 and I asked myself; "how bad could life really be?"
They always say that there's someone else out there who has it way worse than you do, and that you can always find beauty in the midst of pain. I decided I was going to put that statement to the test. It was time for me to get over the BS of my past and truly make something of myself. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew that no one could do it for me. I had to be the one to make the change, and I had to want it bad enough. I began to find the beauty again.
I found a portion of the beauty in a man named Pete. He was the sweetest, most genuine man I'd ever laid eyes on. We meet through a mutual friend, and meet up at a Hookah bar. Things were super awkward at first between us, because he was very reserved, didn't say much, and kept to himself. He liked to observe people and his judgement was pretty spot on. After a couple weeks, I decide it was time for a new start, and Pete and I started dating. The more I was around Pete, the harder I fell for him. I didn't want to at first, because I was scared and let my insecurities of my past creep in. I didn't want to get hurt again, but being with Pete, somehow brought out the best in me, and I enjoyed that.
Pete was charming, funny, strong, and handsome like nothing I'd ever seen and experienced before. He had the most beautiful hazel green eyes, and came from the Southern way of life. He knew how to treat a lady, and needless to say, his mama done raised him right. He had my full and complete heart in his hands from the start, and I think he knew it. Somehow, that was okay.
It wasn't long after Pete and I were dating, that we found out, we were pregnant and a new, different, kind of fear set in. A fear I'd yet to experience that catapulted me, into the next phase of my life. I was going to be a mother. We were going to be parents. Things were getting real.
There was also a weird, overwhelming sense of peace. Peace in knowing that, Pete and I were in this thing together. We didn't have it all figured out, and we by no means were perfect, but we knew that whatever the future looked like, and whatever came our way, we were in it together, hand and hand, for as long as it took. If there was anything that I'd learned from my past, it was what not to do. I was set on the fact that this was my opportunity. This was my chance. I was either going to grow up, and be the best darn mother I could be, or I wasn't, and that frankly, wasn't an option.
