"I had an abortion to save my marriage" #confessions

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 This is the fourth entry in a series, where we publish  personal stories from people our writers have reached out to in person  (having obtained their consent beforehand, and preserving their  privacy). We have renamed the woman Claire. We have also transcribed a  recorded conversation between one of our writers and Claire (having  deleted the recording afterwards, as she demanded).

Notes:We have edited out coughing, our questions and irrelevant dialogue

Claire: 

I love my husband. And I always will.

How they met

We met each other in the 1980s, we'd both been working for an insurance firm.

I  was a secretary and he was a mid-level insurance broker. 

For three years, we had never really paid much attention to each other. Until one day at an office party, when after several whiskey sours, I approached him. 

It was while ago and I can't quite recall what I was thinking, but I distinctly remember wanting to sleep with him.

He wasn't particularly physically attractive. Just an average-looking man in his mid thirties. 

But I was 22 year old, impulsive and thoughtless. I had this romantic view of older men, that they were more "mature" and "serious" than guys my age.

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Anyways, he was rather indifferent about my advances, but we ended up sleeping together nonetheless.

This went on for a few years, until he sort of automatically suggested we get married.

Like it was the natural thing to do. 

I didn't have this burning passion for him, but I wasn't opposed to getting married to him. So I just went a long with it. 

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Marriage

We had a conservative, small wedding. Invited close family and friends, on both side. Wedding and celebration lasted about a week, then I moved in to his apartment.

Two or three years into our marriage, he started getting really frustrated about his job. His career wasn't progressing and he had decided that we should go and live elsewhere. 

He had an ex-colleague that had started his own insurance brokerage, and wanted him to become a partner.

He told me that I would no longer work, get pregnant and raise our child.

There was something about my husband. A certain spell - I just couldn't say no to him. I couldn't oppose him.

So I left all of my friends, and moved with my husband to a small house in a completely foreign town.

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New life

After a few years, my husband and his partner's business was really doing well financially. 

He was working so hard that we never had a lot of time to try for a baby.

But - we moved to a larger house in a better part of town. Ate better food, wore better clothes. Socialized with wealthier town members.

It was at one of these social events that I met Harry [name changed].

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Harry 

To explain my position a little.

I was really lonely since we'd moved to that town. I was unemployed - since my husband didn't want me to work.

I spent all of my day cleaning the house, reading magazines, socializing with neighboring housewives that I disliked. 

I didn't have a purpose, I had no direction. 

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One day we were invited to a neighborhood dinner party, and my husband pretty much left me to talk to colleagues as soon as we had arrived. 

I was all alone, wandering around the house, drinking champagne and nibbling snacks, when a man approached me. 

Complimented my dress. Said I was beautiful. It sounds so cheesy now, but at the time, I was really dying for attention.

We left the party early to walk around the neighborhood and talk. I opened up to him. Told him how I felt suffocated, and like a living corpse. Some kind of robot, that only existed to clean the house, and please my husband when he desired. 

Harry comforted me, and consoled me. Provided me with the care I longed from my husband.

So I willfully slept with him.

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Abortion

Well, he never called me or contacted me again. And I was left with his baby.

I knew this would ruin my marriage with my husband. And if it wouldn't it wasn't worth the risk.

For all his flaws, my husband provided for me, and was loyal to me.

I considered having the child and lying that I had somehow become pregnant with my husband's child.

But I just couldn't lie to him and to my child everyday.

So I booked an appointment, and got an abortion. 

Several years later, I had a child with my husband. A boy. Looks just like his father.

And I have never, nor do I intend to tell my husband what happened...