'I'm 40 - can't get over parents hitting me' - #confessions

 This is the sixth entry in a series, where we publish  personal stories from people our writers have reached out to in person  (having obtained their consent beforehand, and preserving their  privacy). We have renamed the man Richard. We have also transcribed a  recorded conversation between one of our writers and Richard (having  deleted the recording afterwards, as she demanded).

Notes:We have edited out coughing, our questions and irrelevant dialogue

Source

Richard:

I'm born in France, but I'm from a South African (Boer) background. That's the culture in which I was raised.

I think many of us, in diaspora, have this romantic view of our culture - even stronger than people do back home. Perhaps it's to battle alienation.

Anyways, it's undoubtedly in our culture to discipline our children. Often violently.

You've heard: "Spare the rod, spoil the child"?

My parents lived by that, but took it to an extreme. They believed I wouldn't succeed in life, unless I was beaten thoroughly and regularly.

Was whipped with Switch branches, thrown, slapped, punched, kicked, hit with sandals and miscellaneous objects.

Source

The worst part was that I had to fetch the object I'd be punished with.

Yes. I remember once, I was once told to "go fetch a thicker belt".

No, the worst part, was that I had to pull down my pants, and was threatened not to cry.

I would stifle beatings every few days, for offenses as trivial as leaving a light turned on in a room I'd left, to unsatisfactory grades, to talking back rudely, and other displays of insolence.

Yes, I did well in school. Was rather polite. Went to a top finance school, and landed a well paid job. But it made me feel lower than others. Subordinate.

I've always accepted authority, always accepted abuse. I would intuitively feel, that I must have done something wrong.

My wife would hit me - before our divorce. In fact, one of our main subjects of dispute was my refusal to have a child. I don't trust myself to raise a child well. And don't want to project my issues on an innocent.

Sometimes, I just sit down - after work - at home, on my couch. Just drinking whiskey, thinking about how I was treated. My feelings of fear come back. I still feel weak. I'm embarrassed to admit, some times I cry - when I'm all alone. I still feel so weak. They just hit me at their discretion. I didn't have a say over my body.

Huh. I'm a grown man. I'm a 40 year old man, and still can't get over my parents hitting me.