Ten Violent Things I Used to Believe (And Bringing my Values and Beliefs Into Alignment)

Understanding that, as one of my professors recently mentioned in a presentation about the neuroscience of othering, “negative emotions trump positive ones and weigh more heavily in our evaluations of people and situations,” and that “the amygdala is quick to learn and slow to forget” has been huge for me in revamping the way I experience and respond to the world. Simply knowing that my brain has a biological bias toward the negative -- making fundamental attribution errors, emphasizing perceived threats, and the curse of knowledge, among others -- has helped me over the last handful of years to be more aware that the information coming in about the world is subject to a series of distorting lenses and narratives, most (but increasingly fewer) outside of my control and observation. Knowing that these things are in play, and that my thinking and emotions do not represent an objective and factual representation of reality, helping me to be more careful about what I subscribe to, take in as truth, and act on.

My study of trauma has likewise been transformational in the ways in which I'm able to have compassion for myself and others, and to meet others where they are at. I'm a bit of a geek about psychology and interpersonal neurobiology, and have studied it and related topics for many years. It's been interesting to watch my capacity for compassion for myself and others unfold as I've learned about both the vulnerability and the resilience of the human heart and mind. My political beliefs and theories of change about the world and relationships have likewise changed, taking on marked overtones of anti-violence, pro-sovereignty, and compassion.

Some things I used to believe that I no longer believe include the following:

• The death penalty is reasonable and helps keep society safe
• Criminals should be removed and isolated from society
• People with anti-social attitudes (who I now understand to be victims of trauma) are worth less than other people (this one really hurts to admit)
• People with lower than average IQs are worth less than other people (this one also really hurts to admit)
• Violence can be justified when it's done in the name of a government or group of people
• Expelling kids and other exclusionary practices are reasonable ways to address bad behavior, and motivates pro-social behavior
• The legal system is mostly fair and helps victims find justice and healing
• Minorities who've been outvoted in a democracy should suck it up for the general good
• Shame motivates people to be better
• The end justifies the means

I credit my study of interpersonal relationships (including attachment theory), NVC, Compassionate Listening, cognitive biases, the enneagram, Buddhism, mindfulness practices, and the patience and willingness of many friends, teachers, and acquaintances with the unraveling of these and other violence-centric beliefs.

For the last few years I've been examining and adjusting my beliefs to bring them more in alignment with my principles (such as non-violence, sovereignty, compassion, non-duality, the necessity of paradox, accountability, and others). I've found that having become clearer on my principles, my beliefs about how to live well and work toward change have fallen into place more easily, and these beliefs are well in keeping with restorative practices and paradigms. The result is that my relationships are stronger, I can show up more honestly with others, and I'm clearer on how I want my activism, life choices, work, and relationships to look.

I'm also better able to support others, because I'm more practiced at hearing and identifying what they value, and through reflection and acknowledgment of those values, supporting them in aligning their beliefs with their principles. I think the world is full of people with good hearts and kind intentions, whose beliefs have been warped by trauma, biology, the conditions and systems they find themselves working within, power, privilege, and other factors. I believe this skill of helping others to identify their values and bring their beliefs into alignment is necessary for the building of a world based on restorative practices.

Image credit: “Nonviolent Political Power”; Jerusalem mural by Banksy; courtesy utne.com