
The nice thing about working in a pornography store is, if a customer starts getting rowdy, all you have to do is pick up the phone and say, “I’m calling the cops.” It absolutely doesn’t matter what the situation is. Nobody wants to explain themselves to the police while surrounded by butt plugs and nipple clamps. My boss, Paul, encouraged us to not take shit from the customers. We had a giant table leg wrapped in duct tape sitting by the cash register that we called “The Security System.” Every job has its own brand of interesting customers and you’d be hard pressed to find more interesting customers than the type of people who come into a porn store at 3 a.m.

We had a strict “No Returns” policy for obvious reasons, and by obvious reasons, I mean seamen. One day I got a call from an angry customer who wanted a refund on a movie he bought the day before. I informed him about our return policy but he wasn’t having it. This dude was fucking pissed. He said he was coming in to raise hell. I told him to go ahead and called up Paul. While I am the type to avoid confrontation, it’s the only thing that brings him any joy. The angry customer showed up a good fifteen minutes before Paul so I tried to keep things calm until he got there. The customer was about 55, short, and looked like the kind of guy you’d see working the counter at a family owned tractor supply store. He slammed his copy of “Soccer Boyz” on the counter and demanded a refund. I put the tape into one of the VCRs for our preview booths, watched just enough gay fellatio to see the tape worked, and handed it back to him.

“The movie seems to work fine,” I said.
“The people on the box aren’t the people in the movie! What kind of scam are you running here? I’m going to report you!” he shouted.
I was pretty confident he wasn’t going to call the Better Business Bureau about a bad copy of Soccer Boyz, and I was very confident that if he did, that shit wasn’t my fucking problem. Being the nice guy I am, I agreed to give Soccer Boyz another look. Sure enough, none of the beefcakes on the VHS cover were in the movie. It reminded me of a cheap Chinese knockoff toy, like that fake Ninja Turtle your grandmother got you for Christmas and it’s some discontinued action hero painted green, named Bikealangelo. About the time I started to sympathize with elderly gay soccer farmer, Paul squeezed his 6’4”, 400 pound ass through the front door in full attack mode. Bad Grandpa made a few comments about scams and calling “people” but Paul threw a schizophrenic shit fit full of obscene threats until Bad Grandpa ran away much smaller than when he walked in; he even forgot to take Soccer Boyz with him. I explained the discrepancy between the cover art and the movie to Paul and he started laughing. He showed me the back of the box where it said, “Models on cover not necessarily in movie (or something like that).” Then he walked me through the gay section, showing me the boxes. At least a third of the movies had the disclaimer. It wasn’t our scam, it was the movie distributor, but Paul knew about it and found it was easier to scream at customers until they left you alone than give refunds all the time.

One night, at like three in the morning, I saw an eighteen wheeler pull up. After 45 minutes I figured he pulled in for a nap or found someone to suck him off in the parking lot so I quit waiting for a customer to walk in and went back to watching Edward Penishands.

Then this wild eyed redneck trucker strolls in trying to act as casual as an 8th grader showing up to school stoned for the first time. He hangs out at the counter and talks my head off for an hour before renting some Barely Legal porn to watch in one of the preview booths. Then he came out and chain smoked cigarettes while talking my head off until the sun came up. This would have been a pretty standard night for me except for the fact that he had a disturbing amount of nose hair, which had giant balls of cocaine hanging from it that jiggled every time he moved his head. Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t ask him for a bump.

Man, I miss that job.
If I don't resteem this it would be a crime against humanity. Definitely earned yourself a follow!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thanks for the resteem and the follow. Always happy when my stories of pain give someone a chuckle.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Not a problem! I read all three of them and they all made me laugh in amazement. I'll be sharing all three of them over the next couple of days, hopefully you'll get some more upvotes and follows through that :-)
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
I'll be following you to return the favor.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Hahahaha! I used to spend a lot of time in adult shops finding new toys and lubed and costumes and what not for work and yes the things that I've seen in there are pretty epic. Thanx so much for sharing a tid bit of your experience! Upvoting and following for more fun stories! ❤️
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Sounds like you have some stories worth sharing.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
I certainly do and will certainly be sharing them ❤️
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
I have resteemed this post due to your entrance in my Get FREE Resteem #1: https://steemit.com/contest/@river-island/get-free-resteem-1
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thanks man.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
This post made my day! :) Thank you! Definitely following you.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed reading about my misadventures.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
This post received a 1.5% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @themadgoat! For more information, click here!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
@themadgoat got you a $1.52 @minnowbooster upgoat, nice! (Image: pixabay.com)
Want a boost? Click here to read more!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
This post has received a 20.00 % upvote from @buildawhale thanks to: @themadgoat. Send 0.100 or more SBD to @buildawhale with a post link in the memo field to bid on the next vote.
To support our curation initiative, please vote on my owner, @themarkymark, as a Steem Witness
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Great. Thanks for sharing. I'm starting to follow you.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Congratulations @themadgoat! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.
For more information about SteemitBoard, click here
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOP
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Hahahaha, Edward Penishands, shit I envy you man.
I must get more people to notice you!!
Cgee
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
That job was one in a million. My brother got a job at a porn store a few years later because he was jealous of all my stories but it was one of those corporate fancy places and they weren't allowed to smoke or sit down and they had to treat it like a real retail job. He quit after three days.
Thank you for ending attention my way. I won't let you down.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Yeah I can imagine that was a huge let down (in more ways than one!)
No problems, and I know you won't! :-)
Cryptogee
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Congratulations @themadgoat! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Click on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.
For more information about SteemitBoard, click here
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOP
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
This post was resteemed by @resteembot!
Good Luck!
Learn more about the @resteembot project in the introduction post.
Check out the other content resteemed by @resteembot.
Some of it is really cool!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
You were lucky! Your post was selected for an upvote!

Read about that initiative
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Another fine piece of @originalcontent (I think that summons some sort of magic bot to give you monies...) hope you and sloth are weathering the storm alright.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Our house is jacked up a few feet so it didn't get flooded but the power is out and we are waiting to find out if the air conditioning is fried because the AC unit was submerged in three feet of water. We're crashing at friends houses until we find out if we are officially refugees yet. Spent all day helping gutt out my neighbor's house because it was fucked completely. I have wine and whiskey though, so I'm ok.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Just cover the A/c unit in 500lbs of rice and leave it for the week. As long as the alcohol cabinet is wet, all's good. Remember Canada has been accepting American refugees since 'Nam, so worse to worse...
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
cool story bro
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit