Objective Observations: Observing without Evaluating

The first component of NVC is observing and clearly articulating what you are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting your sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation. Evaluations are judgments and subjective opinions about another person, not objective observations.

When you speak with evaluations or mix your observations with your evaluations, your recipients are likely to hear criticism and in turn become defensive and resistant to what you’re saying. Speaking with evaluations decreases the likelihood that others will hear your intended message.

Identifying & Expressing Feelings

The second component of NVC is to express how you are feeling. A common habit is using the word “feel” without actually expressing a feeling.

When you don’t express how you really feel, but instead make generalizations about the other person, they are more likely to hear criticism and be on the defensive.

Identifying & Expressing Needs

The third component of NVC is identifying your needs and expressing them clearly.

Judgements, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. When you express your needs indirectly in these ways, others are likely to hear criticism and feel compelled to defend themselves. Instead, the more directly you can connect your feelings to your own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to you compassionately.

Making Requests, not Demands

The fourth and final component of NVC is to address what you would like to request of others in order to meet your needs. When your needs are not being fulfilled, you can express to others what you are observing, feeling, and needing, followed with a specific request. The key is to word your requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake, and avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.

When someone receives a demand or ultimatum, they see two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately is diminished.

When you combine these four components together, you get the formula for Non-Violent Communication.

As with any habit change, NVC is easier explained than implemented in the moment, in real-time. It takes time and practice to apply and get used to implementing. For me, though it has been hard and I don’t always apply it perfectly, it has improved my relationships, increased my chances of getting my needs met, and has inspired more compassion! So the next time you face a situation where you aren’t getting your needs met, try applying these four components of Non-Violent Communication.

To learn more about how to non-violently communicate, pick up the book, "Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life,” by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

With love,
~The Pholosopher