personally believe that sex is the meaning of life. Like, really, when you boil everything down, every aspect of your being exists solely to survive long enough to reproduce itself. We can try to make ourselves feel better - no, life is about love, or service to God - but that's all just a consequence. I think the feeling of love exists solely so women will have sex with men.
And as for service to God, God's first commandment, the first thing he told any creature on Earth to do, was to be fruitful and multiply. Before the concept of sin, God was instructing the universe to bump uglies. And, let's be honest, the concept of Heaven is just a tool for mental masturbation. Sex is the meaning of life. Philosophy majors, you're wasting your money.
Side-note - I once asked a friend of mine exactly why someone would major in philosophy. (I don't see many want ads for philosophers, is all I'm saying.) And he said it was so he could get a job teaching philosophy. Which, I think, makes that entire major some sort of strange existential pyramid scheme that only a professional philosopher could rationalize.
Back to sex. In these tough economic times, it's important to remember that sex is recession proof. Newspapers and magazines nationwide are folding, but Hustler's doing just fine. Print-ad sales are up, and they even got all kinds of valuable press during election season with an adult video based on everyone's favorite Alaskan governor.
(I'm referring, of course, to "Hickel's Hickeys," based on the life of the debauched 1960s Republican.)
One businessman in Maine stumbled on success with a little sex. He took over a failed cafe, hired an attractive staff and called Hooters' bluff. He blacked out the windows, hung up some warning signs, and opened a topless restaurant. The lesson to be learned, though, is that it got him a spot on national news. Behold, unbelievers, the magic of sex: free publicity.
Tried and true, sex can sell anything - razors, clothes, domain names ... And there's no denying the Internet is the biggest thing to happen to pornography since abstract thought. Every possible niche and fixation is catered. Another national headline-grabbing business, a Web site, AshleyMadison.com, caters specifically to married people looking to have sex with other married people. The site is apparently doing very well.
Or, take Octomom. It's really interesting the backlash against this lady - 14 kids and everyone freaks out? Because, I'm from Arkansas, where either you have one kid, or you have a proper dozen. Anyway, she didn't even have sex the proper way, and we're still fascinated. (I heard she totally did it with a petri dish.)
Even Rachel Ray is forcing her way into our collective fantasies - there was an interview with her on ABC where she defended a spread in FHM that had her seductively sucking on various foods in low-cut shirts. If I found 40-year-old women with their own cutesy twin-language ("EVOO, guys!") the least bit appealing, I'd totally watch her boring show after seeing that spread. It was very successful.
My point is, we're in a recession, right? And the biggest problem is consumer spending, right? Well, I say we tack on some breasts to every establishment, as a patriotic duty.
Maybe it sounds like immature daydreaming, but if you want to talk stimulus, name a single thing that's more stimulating.
Yeah, you can't. Building-breasts. I'm telling you.
Where was I? Lost my train of thought for some reason ... A lot of people say nudity is appalling and shameful, but I think we're seeing undeniable evidence that it's a viable path out of recession.
And, most notably, I wrote an article about sex with a minimum of offensive puns.
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