Who Put the Crazy Goggles On Me!?

At the moment when I wrote my last post, I was feeling disturbed and upset about some conflict with my mate the night before. It is amazing how different my perspective is in regards to my whole life when I am feeling good vs feeling bad.

A large part of the reason why I wrote that post was just to vent. It was true at the time that I felt I needed some public accountability to keep myself from being caught up in delusional fantasies. But perhaps in that moment, I was actually caught up in a delusional nightmare, and the unpleasant reality I experienced that day is less real or valid or true than the reality I experience much, much more often, which is of happiness, and gratitude for my extraordinary life and my exemplary mate.

It is amazing how my mind can skew and rationalize and justify and twist reality to match my mood. Who is to say which version of the truths I experience are more true and real and valid? Perhaps that which is more often true should hold proportionately more weight, and be held as the greater of the truths.

Now that I am feeling better, I look at the people and problems I wrote about and see them in a much different light.

For example, in my last post I made it seem unfair or abusive that I don't have control over big life decisions or resources generated by my mate. But that isn't the whole story. My mate isn't hoarding resources and lording over me while driving a fancy car and spending cash on himself.

The reason why I don't spend any of the money he makes is because he dedicates pretty much all of his own money into building our sustainable eco-village, building our non profit business, or tucking some away for Armageddon and such, also to help and serve many.

I have actually agreed that these are much better uses of money than what I would probably be doing with money. And I have willingly and voluntarily relinquished my claim to use community funds for my own purposes, which would mostly be buying stuff that we don't need at all, but that I just want for fun, entertainment and indulgence.

And another "problem" I wrote about was putting all my relationship energy into my family and none into friendships. But that was also quite skewed.

I live at an ecovillage and there are a dozen other adults living here at any given time, including 2 other women whose age is within a couple years of mine. So if I haven't made friends with them, it isn't because I don't have time, access, or availability, it is because I haven't cared enough to. Actually, I am friends with these other women, to some extend. What is lacking in intimacy and depth is because I am generally pretty self absorbed in my own stuff and my own little pack and I don't invest much to really grow those friendships.

It is also true that I feel so well supported, understood and deeply lived by Quinn that my relationship with him (as long as we are getting along) seems easily worth more than all my other relationships combined, aside from those with my kids of course. And by the time I have taken care of the kids, and our meals, and our home, if I have some energy or time left in my day, I usually like to give at least a little of my love and attention to Daddy Quinn. I am so thankful that I do get to have these friendships right in my home, otherwise I wouldn't have time for them at all. And it astounds me that other moms who are alone with their kids all day every day don't go crazy!

Another problem I mentioned is not having any resource base for now or the future, and living by the grace of my mate, which I said blows hot and cold. But this is also twisted and leaving out critical relevant information.

Quinn is actively working to build a larger ecovillage or ideally eventually a bunch of them that can support, house and feed hundreds of families for little to no cost. So if he is successful, which I KNOW he will be, especially if I would just support him already instead of making things more difficult for him, then I have no need to worry about my future food and housing. Even in the event that things don't work out between us, I am still so confident that I would be given a place in his ecovillage, because he has already demonstrated to have a great deal of generosity towards even those to whom he has no personal connection or attachment.

Case in point, there is a woman who has lived here at the Garden of Eden for about 2 years. She is here to heal and so she is permitted to be here, live for free in her tent on the land, and eat freely of the food from our pantries and gardens. And for this he has asked almost nothing of her in return. Only recently has she been asked to take on a small portion of the work of maintaining the food pantries neat, a job which takes her a few hours a week.

If this does not sufficiently demonstrate to me that I do not need to worry about my future home and provisions, I do not know what would.

And another issue that I mentioned, saying that the work I do is not valued because it does not generate value, well I was just plain wrong about that. Quinn has acknowledged that the love and care I give to our children is indeed priceless. As in, you couldn't pay someone a million dollars to add the value that I add to their lives.

He just gets frustrated because I make almost no effort at all to do anything that would create some income for us, even and especially including making Steemit articles, which I can obviously easily do in my down time between caring for kids. When I have free time, I usually use it to make tastier and fancier food, rather than helping with some of the many things that I complain about and then do nothing about.

And on the final issue previously mentioned of a so called problem of mine, it is such an insult to say that my mate is like every, or even any, other guy. He lives his life in such a purposeful and considerate way, dedicated to values and service to they greater good. I think most of the problems I blame on him exist only because he gives so much of himself to help and serve other people and the greater good of life itself. Truthfully I am such a shallow and self absorbed person compared to him and I don't deserve the special way he treats me at all. It is very unfair how I blame all my problems on him, meanwhile taking little or no responsibility for creating my desires solutions myself.

For example, sometimes I go crazy wishing we had our own home, and that it was heated and cooled and used gas to cook just like everybody else.

I then recall how that lifestyle everybody else lives is basically destroying the habitability of our planet. At a deeper level, I am grateful that Quinn lives and cares for life itself so much, taking great care not to participate in the industries that are the cause of so much death and destruction. I admire him for holding such a high standard for sustainability here at our community and for saving me from another lifestyle in which I would almost certainly be contributing willingly-ignorantly to the industrial death and destruction of our planet.

And I also recall that many of the other people with whom we share our home would otherwise be in dark and dire situations were they not here. Like the mother who no longer gets beat by her mate because she lives here. Or the guy who spent the last decade homeless on the streets, fending for his life, literally. Considering how living here has totally changed their lives, it is super selfish and self absorbed for me to wish he didn't open our home and share our amazingly abundant and free life with others.

Given these realities, my conscious response is that I am SO SO SO thankful such a man EVEN EXISTS! On the one hand I am proud he chooses to be with me of all people, and on the other hand I am ashamed I do not live up to such an honor.

He, he, he. Yeah. So these "problems" of mine are like a dream set of problems.

So although in rough patches I feel that I have a situation to get myself out of, in my normally awesome daily life, I am grateful for such a super cushy set of "first world problems".

To all you readers who may have read my last post and been dismayed to think that Quinn is not as awesome as you thought, don't worry, he is actually awesomer.

And to any readers who thought "haha! He really is just another chump asshole", pyschabooksie! That was just some baby mama drama, which no one is immune to, even super dudes like Quinn.

So, as for who put the crazy goggles on me, I did. Oops.