Transition

Hi, please call me Eliza,

One thing that I have learned about being a transsexual is that it's something that is hard to relate too for those of you who are not. That's because chances are you have never questioned your gender. Gender is one of those things that I think "normal" people don't have to think about. I wish that I didn’t have to think about it. I have thought about if there was a pill that I could take that would make me not have to have any gender issues, would I take that pill. As a transwoman I would then ask if that pill could make me a cisgendered female.

The fact that I am trans is what has lead to my interest in the magickal arts. I see many different skills as being related to one another. The trick is to learn to see what things can be useful in different situations. One of my main struggles is getting motivated. I always feel so tired and some times I just get depressed and don't want to put forth the effort in anyway. I just want to eat a bunch of junk food and sleep all day. Sometimes I just don't want to think about anything at all.

What I really want in my life and how to get there...I want to live a holistic life as a woman. I want to be able to have a career as a seamstress / hairdresser / make-up artist. I love crafting and writing as well.
I want to be able to live out on my land in Alaska and build a little cabin there. I want to be able to clear my land and plant a big garden on it; enough to provide me all the fruits and vegetables that I could ever want to eat. I want to make beautiful dresses, skirts, and blouses. I want to be able to travel when I want; and work with other women to make them feel beautiful!

I want to be able to meditate and practice yoga, I need to be able to open up and talk to others. I need to deal with a lifetime of crap that is bottled up inside me. I need to learn to let go of that which I need to let go of and embrace that which I need to hold on to.

I know that the road ahead of me is long. I know the steps that I need to take to get to where I want to be in life. I know that I need to just take things one day at a time and keep my self focused on the task in front of me. It's hard for me not to think about what’s out there for me on the horizon and just how far away it all is for me.

I worry about my safety. I have so much anger inside and I know that I am to blame for the problems that I have in my life. I want to be able to defend myself well. I want to be able to still do the things that I know that I will need to do, like cut down trees to clear my land. I know that I will do all of this after I transition and I wonder just how much weaker I will be after being on hormones.

I know that I can't worry about what anyone else will think of me, and at the same time I know that I still have to live in this world and make a living; and that depends of other people having an opinion of me. There is a lot involved in being able to present yourself well, and when you transition to a different gender, other than the one you have presented as for a lifetime, it's like having to learn everything over again from scratch. The hard part is actually beginning the process of presenting yourself as the other gender in public. Most of my friends and family know that I am trans, they just haven’t had to see me or deal with it all yet. I have kept myself in this sort of suspended animation where I don't have to deal with any of it if I don't do anything about it. The problem is that the cracks begin to show in my life. A deep depression has overwhelmed me and the thought that I will never be able to live as a woman feeds it.

My case is not typical as far as finances goes. I have to support four children and I owe a lot in arrears. I can't really begin to move forward with transitioning until I pay of my debt, and that's going to take a few more years. Honestly, I am so much better off in my life now that at any other time. If I can just keep working for seven more years, I would be able to make all my dreams come to pass. The question is how can I keep working like this for seven more years!

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