When I was serving my motherland or fatherland or whatever in zamfara state about ten years ago, I had this neighbour who detested my smoking. His detest was not out-of the natural irritation non smokers have with smokers but rather the knowledge of a former smoker.
Every time he found me outside my door lighting sticks after infernal sticks of Benson and hedges, he would frown at me and tell me that I look too innocent to be smoking. I would laugh and light another.
My roomies ,about three of them were nonsmokers and out of respect for their airspace and their girlfriends I did not smoke inside the house. The pretty ladies on the other side of the building were quite amazed but they were used to rough dudes so they didn't make much ado about my habit. They were just surprised at seeing someone like me smok so much.
One day this neighbour of mine came to me with two ashtrays. He was cleaning his room and he found them. He gave them to me as gifts and I took them because they were a novelty not because I needed them. I never used them. When I left zamafara state after my service year had come to an end, I left them behind with my khaki jacket, trousers, socks, boot, canvas shoes and my heart which a damned beautiful lady had crushed without a thought.
During that period, I smoked more than I have ever smoked in my life till date. I was free from parental eyes, family eyes, neighbours who have known me from day one as well as friends who were uncomfortable with seeing a supposed nerd smoke so much.
I thought I'd quit. I thought I'd be able to manage the urges I have but to my shame I could not and as each day goes by, I have become resigned to this need. I expect that I would have a difficult time in the future and I really wish I had the strength to step away but it is nothing but a puff of smoke and nicotine now yet I know that I can't resist.
Smoking cigarette came as a result of my interest in the high that marijuana gave. After smoking marijuana for a long time, it was inevitable that I fall to cigarettes as my access to weed became limited.
At first it was a means to extend the high I got from smoking weed then it became a replacement for weed but now it is just a nameless need that I have no control over. Among the other demons that bedevil my life, smoking is the least obvious and the most nefarious.
I have been cutting off my friends or former friends as I move away from the drama and razzmatazz that they bring. I wish I could take such actions on smoking but I can't as I have come to realise through tears of trying.
I picked my first cigarette in 2000 and I have battled for 18 plus years to break free. I have, as I sit here smoked some and I will smoke more before I am done. You think you know me? You don't.
It's crazy how often times we think we know someone inside out and then, we realize that we actually know very little about them. I mean, people will only reveal a little of themselves to us, just what they want us to know, often times, there strength and bot their weakness.
I have met a lot of people who proudly say how much they know me, but in the end, they really don't. I mean, I get a bit comfortable with them and show them a part of me, which well, they shouldn't be surprised if, and then, they are like, "this isn't you". It's funny how people judge what we should or shouldn't do by our looks and character, forgetting that we are more than we let them see.
We all have habits which we struggle to get rid of, well, at least most of us. Some, we willingly started, and some not. For those we willingly started, sometimes, we wonder why our curiosity led us there and for those we didn't start willingly, we blame the situation and person(s) that brought about it over and over again....
But then, it's our reality. We can only try to get rid of it, and hopefully, someday, we will have victory over it, and if we don't we will at least find a way to be stronger than it.
Hoping that you get to pick up that heart someday and let it mend again. Stay safe out there...
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I am tired of fighting. I am in a mood to wreck havoc and. Nothing is holding me back besidesy my conscience.
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Only our conscience can, most times!
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Smoking triggered by heartbreak are the worst
like you will be in a massive denial
But peer pressure is another thing,
I remember my first three blunt
how my friend told me i was behaving like a child and needed to grow up
I feel our society and emotions drag us to become addict
pls follow me am new !
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But we also make the choices at the end of the day. Yeah peer pressure is a strong influence but at the end, we choose.
Welcome to steemit. I hope you have a great time here. Peace
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