Strong Women - Family is family

Here I sit in Vilnius as I write my second entry to the series.

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When I think about the people I've met who suffer hardship, most of them come from places where we have come to expect suffering.

And we grow an indifference towards it.

When people suffer and die in poor countries, we have a tendency to just nod in acceptance of the sad reality. A defeated and hopeless response to injustice and tragedy.

But it happens in a first world country, suddenly compassion appears. Or is it rather, fear.

Fear that comes from our own comfort being in danger. That if it can happen in 1st world country, then our own safety and comfort is in peril.

Likewise, the next lady's story I am about to introduce is like any of us. On the outside, appearing to live life normally like many of us. Unbeknownst to others, she haboured a deep burden for most of life.

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I shall give her the pseudonym Grace.

I had known Grace for about 2 years. Friends in the same group. Brought up in a first world western country. Ethnically Asian. Talented but overworked. Natural leader. The mother of the group. The first born, the guinea pig. The eldest of four children. A caring sister. A great friend.

This is how I knew her as.

These are pretty standard traits. Good traits, but standard. We all know people like her.

But I was inspired by her strength when one day we sat down and shared a meal. She told me of a story.

Her family story.

It maybe relatable to a lot of you.

Her childhood was like most. School, home, fights between siblings, family outings.

That was until her parents got a divorce when she was in middle school.

Her father had cheated on her mother.

At the young age of adolescence, the impact was not immediately understood.

She hated her father. Naturally.

He tried to buy her love over the coming years by spoiling her with presents and whatever she wanted.

The mother had custody of the 4 children.

All seemed well until one day she received a letter in the mail.

They were in rent arrears.
Her mother, had a gambling addiction.

It was always there, but became serious after the divorce.

Her mother had not been paying the rent consistently. This had been happening for a long time.

Perhaps you can blame a little on the language barrier? Or cultural differences.

But no one can deny that the mother had neglected her responsibility to her four children. Putting them at a danger to homelessness.

In asian society, the hierarchy in the family is strict and upheld to a stubborn level.

So in this situation, as the child, no matter how much Grace reasoned with her mother, it would not work.

After the divorce, with the bad influence of family friends, vengeance, greed and sloth, her mother had slipped into a habit of gambling away all of the money that the father sent for the children.

At this point, one would imagine you just leave home. It's not your debt. Become independent and work for your own living. Right?

However, at the height of these problems. Grace remembered. Family is family.

Not only was she her mother, Grace had 3 younger siblings to look out for, the youngest being still an elementary school student.

So she made it her goal to clear the debt.

By 21, her first job, Grace cleared all of her mother's debt.

An amazing act.

Humbling.

Grace demonstrated the sacrifice it took to be a mother... to her mother.

All this she did. Without her siblings knowledge.

See... Grace's mother often worked odd hours and was not there for the children, so Grace effectively was the second mother of the family.

You can imagine the dynamics in the household where the child and mother role has flipped.

Added to the fact the 3 younger siblings had no idea about the problems. They grew to dislike the way their eldest sister talked to the mother. Especially in Asian culture, this disrespect was a huge taboo.

I found this situation very much like an altruistic hero in a fairytale. Only the audience and the hero knows how unfair it was.

In her case... It was just her.

Again...wow. It amazed me.

What is sad however...is that the debt came back.

In fact. It came back 2 more times and Grace cleared it with her own money.

What makes it more amazing is when I asked her how that affected the way she lives and does she cut the costs affecting her life negatively?

Amazingly she is able to balance and enjoy her spendings whilst supporting the family.

Kudos to her. Amazing!

All is not well though.
As last year, the first eviction notice was sent, and it was only then that the middle 2 siblings found out what had happened. And they footed the bill using their paychecks.

Till this day, details of Grace's acts of sacrifice for her family is not completely known even amongst the middle siblings. But I'm so glad, that there is a little recognition.

Grace is a true hero in the modern day.

A strong role model to other women and men in society.

The humility she has is so...cool.
Simply put it. In Korean I would say 개멋있다.

And I have grown immense respect for her.

They say your 20s is your golden years of your life.

Grace was able to choose family over herself and give away a decade without even receiving acknowledgement.

We can all learn from her.
I wish her all the strength and support as she continues this journey.

I hope her story can also encourage and inspire others.