Dear diary

I need a change and im stuck. This pain has dragged me down to hell. Ive done so mamy therapies, so many doctors and was a major health nut.

I finally caved to alcohol seeing its the 1 thing that helped cut the edge. Not even major pain killers etc touch my unbearable pain.

My daily routine consist of...

*wake up w major middle back pain around 5am.

*puke up last nights dinner amd back pain subsides.

*finally found xanax really helps my, head pressure, eye pressure, negative mind, muscle tensions amd neck pain. Take 1/4 xanax.

*cant drink coffee, it agitates the F out of my pain. So i now drink 3 diet sodas after xany.

*drink 4 teaspoons kratom, eases whole body.

*drink lots of water w fresh lemon.

*Sit in my chair and barely move.

*smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day.

*mediate throughout the whole day.

• 2 svaroopa yoga poses at least once a day.

*very light stretching, my body is so tight.

*lots of thinking, ideas, and crypto trading.

*finally beer time and drink 12pack a day. The happiest part of my whole day.

*act as normal as possible when dealing w friends, family or anyone.

*beer almost gone and ready for my 1 and only meal of the day (last night it was spinach soup and i even puked that up). Xanax helped the puking stop for about 1 week put now started again.

*head feeling better from pill but overall down and unhealthy and overweight.

*Barely leave my house accept maybe for beer n cigs.

Go to bed and do it all over again.

Ive done so many things trying to improve my health and about 3 years ago i just gave up fighting so hard. Im hanging by a thread.

Sure i can see some things to fix. Ex stop beer n cigs, the only enjoyment im getting. Plus its not easy especially when the payoff is almost non existent. Ive quit for years before and pain pain still pain.

So im stuck w my unhealthy hermit life for now.

Me 3 years ago in amazing health even w the pain. I got under 10% bodyfat so little on the skinny side imo....