Even in the face of difficulty, I recognise that I continue to strive to maintain the values of ambition and competence in my professional and personal lives, among many other areas of my life. This resurfaced in me with the adoption of my brother's dog, who was recently adopted.
In the aftermath of returning home by myself, I distinctly recall the feeling of desperately holding to the ideals of achievement and competence that I had previously mentioned, and ultimately surrendering to them.
My confident self stated, "I will go home," and I set off on my journey home.... In the end, I decorated my home with care and made myself at home. However, it didn't take long until stress triggers began to knock on my door. First and foremost, being alone after being in a crowded house was strange and difficult! The fact that I was forced to spend the majority of my two years there alone was a testament to how difficult it was to make it a social home despite my best attempts. Despite my difficulties, once I made the decision to leave, I never allowed myself permission to return to my family's house. I remained in that claustrophobic environment despite the fact that I was sometimes unable to breathe properly! In retrospect, I say to myself: "I must have been nuts," but I recall exactly what I said at the time: "I really wanted to go out myself, and I had to do it!"
It's quite depressing. An individual can inflict self-inflicted pain on himself when he crushes, suppresses, and silences himself for an extended period of time while thinking alone. When I returned to my parents' house with the virus, I became acutely aware of everything that had happened. My mind couldn't stop racing, wondering what I had done to deserve such a bad outcome and why I had pushed it so hard. In the event that it didn't happen, they couldn't hold a pistol to my head. "No, once you get back to your house, you're going to be there forever," they declared emphatically. However, I've been behaving in this manner for the previous two years.
I had very little personal space, and my flexibility pattern was completely non-existent! A huge, fat zero, to be exact! I was meant to be putting in a lot of effort towards my personal development. Not to mention my crushes who stated things like "I'll come out of this phase with a clear conscience, I'll be able to do it" and "I'll come out of this era with a clear conscience, I'll be able to do it"... Despite the fact that it's been a year, I still can't believe some of the things I've done to myself.
Is it reasonable to expect someone to have learned everything there is to know about something after having firsthand experience with it, for example? This is my way of thinking. Every time, I'm completely wrong! Man was made by forgetting, and I'm misguided because I disregard this reality. This is human nature; even though a person lives through or experiences something, he or she may subsequently suffer in the same circumstance or in the same manner as if they had not gone through it. That is precisely why you must remain calm in the event of an attack...
I didn't give my brother the authority to adopt the dog, just as I didn't give myself the authority to return to my parents' house after my brother did. After all, I reasoned, no matter how tiny my quarters were, if I didn't make any room and remained in that crowded position, my brother should do the same thing. In my opinion, returning home to my family was an epic disaster, and giving the puppy back to my sister was an even worse failure. Failure, on the other hand, was never an option in this situation!
Take a deep breath and relax! Was there anything specific you did? Have you ever had all of these things happen to you, albeit in a different storey but with the same emotion as described above? Because you understand how difficult it is, you don't try to "cling on" to things that aren't appropriate for you, you don't believe in the concept of success, and you believe that you have the right to everything at all times.
I had no idea what I was doing, but I worked it out. I'd completely forgotten about it.
Everything seemed to have slipped my mind: that I have the right to anything, that being flexible is vital for settling down securely in this life, that giving oneself space is healthy, and that I am not obligated to remain in one place permanently. It does not indicate that it is taught in a single floor of a single building. That is something I am also willing to embrace.