Second chances

"This salad sucks" I complained, while plucking a suspicious looking onion from my greens "remind me once again Sarah, why am I doing this?".
My very beautiful, very in shape sister sighed and patiently replied "because you are tired of being overweight, because you want to get a girlfriend and because the doctor said you had to lose a few pounds if you want to reach forty".
Tsk. The doctor. What did he know? He didn't look much more in shape than I am, looked one burger away from a heart attack if you ask me. Still, I glanced at my very healthy looking plate of greens and decided that between that and nothing else at least the olives might provide some taste.
"So, what are you buying mom for her birthday?" asked Sarah after a few bites of her own salad. She didn't look as disgusted as I was feeling but that had to be expected, she was a vegan after all. Must be used to eat infinite plates of tasteless grass.
"A perfume" I said "she let me know very subtly" Sarah smirked "that she was running out of it, what about you? And who are you bringing to the dinner in the end? Alice or Michael?" I added half annoyed and half envious.
My little sister was in a 'polyamorous' relationship...figures! I couldn't get one single person to share my bed and she had ménages a trois every single night.
"We are all coming and yes, mum is cool with it" she added looking at my surprised face "after it came out that Alice was not in the end just a friend she was unexpectedly open-minded about it and said to bring her along." She then smiled brightly at me and proceeded to finish her lunch.
Sometimes I wonder if there is a god somewhere...I mean, just look at my sister! Tall, slender, with long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes that change colour depending on her emotions. And now there's me. Tall yes, but with my being overweight it just translates as menacing. I swear two kids changed the side of the sidewalk the other day just to avoid me. I used to have beautiful hair that I recently started to lose and my very own blue eyes are hidden besides thick glasses. Lucky me. Lucky fucking me. Fuck it all, fuck the doctor, fuck the salad and fuck the universe. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore, I put my fork down and made up an excuse to leave.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you home or anything?" asked Sarah concerned "I can call my job and tell them I can't go in the afternoon and take care of you"
"No need sis, I'll just go home and rest, it's just a headache...I'll see you saturday night" I kissed her goodbye and darted for my car making it impossible for her to say anything else.

As I entered my apartment my stomach started growling. Damn. How am I supposed to work If everything I'm thinking about is food? I glanced at my desk where a few of my sketches laid haphazardly. Maybe I could paint some fries? I could put up a whole show of paintings about my food cravings! Genius! As I started to prepare a canvas I stole a glance at a mirror and as usual, I got depressed. No wonder nobody wants me, just look at me. Why am I so unlucky? Fuck. Fuck the universe.

On saturday night as I was getting ready I was feeling weirdly confident.
"This is your night" I informed my reflection "you lost fifteen pounds, are wearing killer clothes and finally got new contact lenses" which were a little annoying but I had to sport my only good trait somehow, "after mom's birthday you are going to go out and you are going to get yourself a girlfriend" I finished and proceeded to leave, oddly remembering to get the birthday present on my way out. I have this history of forgetting her present every year, so I took the fact that this year I remembered as a good sign.

My mom lives in the country side, at least one hour away from my place if I put in a good speed. She divorced my dad when I was fourteen and after that she proceeded to date an infinite number of useless but very rich and attractive men. This year's guy was actually better than usual, he was very smart and I kind of respected him, so that may be the reason that I'm not totally dreading this year's party.
Halfway through the drive it started raining buckets and as I was pondering the idea of changing the music into my 'rain playlist' (goes from 'dancing in the rain' to 'don't rain on my parade' all the way to 'umbrella') I spotted a little cat stuck under a fallen branch on the other side of the road. I didn't even think, I just halted the car in the middle of nothing and ran under the rain to go free the little fella. As I picked it up I noticed that it was just a peluche! I'm such an idiot! Getting soaked for nothing! Why this kind of shit only happens to me? This was supposed to be my night! Fuck! Fuuuck! "What have I done to you god???" I raged at the sky in the middle of the road "why can't you grant me a teeny tiny bit of happiness? Why can....". Screeeeeeeccchh.

"Hello Mr. Res" said a very bored looking guy "welcome to the afterlife, we are here now to go through your life and decide together what are the best options for you from now on".
All I could do was stare at him open-mouthed. As I took in my surroundings I started hyperventilating; I was sitting on a chair of a completely white room, sitting opposite of me was the guy that just talked and was now too busy going through a few files on his white desk to pay any attention to me.
"Where am I?" I asked very scared "who are you? How did I get here?" I started screaming at him while I was getting up "let me out! You have no right to keep me! I've done nothing wrong!" I turned to leave only to find out that there was no door. What the fuck? I went from wall to wall touching every surface to find any outline of a door. I was feeling my heart pounding through my chest and felt my left arm start to tingle. 'Am I having a heart attack?' I asked myself now almost completely lost to the panic.
"That's impossible you know" said the young man calmly from his chair, "after all" he continued while running one hand through his long and shiny blond hair, "you are already dead" he finished, looking up from his papers.
"I'm not dead" I replied automatically fighting through the fear that made it hard to think.
"You're one of those huh?" said the other man rolling his eyes "hmpf... fine" in a second he disappeared from where he sat and reappeared right in front of me, but before I could panick he took hold my arm and my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.
It seemed like I was, indeed, dead.
I recalled the car ride, the "saving" of the cat and in the end me cursing at the sky, totally unbeknownst of the fact that a car was coming right towards me at full speed, and that the driver wouldn't be able to spot me because of the rain until it was way too late to swerve.

"So, now that you've calmed down let's get to business" said the young man retaking his position behind his desk. "I've been through your file and now I think we are ready for stocktaking"
"Stocktaking?" I asked stupidly from the very same spot he left me, now sitting on the ground.
"Yeah, how do I put it...we have to direct you somewhere else judging your actions till now" he explained arching a brow and picking up one of the papers in front of him.
"My actions..." I mumbled. Hit by a car while screaming at the sky. Is there really a stupider way to die?
"As a whole you're not so bad" he continued ignoring me "always a good person...found and followed your call, congrats on that by the way! Most people go by life after life like a beheaded cockroach without ever finding out what it is...". As he went on recapping my life I started thinking about my family. Sarah would be devastated, my sweet little sister, always so worried about me...and my mom! God! On her birthday did I have to go and get myself killed... "the only serious problem we have is that you are a virgin." That startled me.
"Excuse me?" I asked embarrassed "how is that any of your business?".
"Well...you see, it's not the virginity the real problem" he explained with a superior tone "it's the motive. Look at this" and he raised a sheet with some kind of list on it "twenty names of people you could have connected with! Twenty possibilities...and did you ever take a chance?".
I was speechless. Twenty possibilities? Of what? Girls? Lovers? "Yes! Girls! Lovers! ...no wait, there are two guys too in here... anyway that's not the point, you were supposed to meet this people, to grow from them and to make them grow as well! But you never took a single chance...".
I was dumbfounded. All my life I thought that I was meant to be alone and that the universe had cruelly decreeted that I was meant to die a virgin and now I found out that I let twenty girls (no way there was a guy, the kid must be mistaken) pass me by? Fuck me.
"My point exactly, somebody should've had" said the bringer of bad news now looking at me intensely "and for the record there are two guys on the list" he concluded matter of factly getting up and walking around the desk to come towards me. "You know what? I wanna give you a present" he was now getting quite closer and had a devilsh gleen on his eyes "I'm gonna send you back" he said, kneeling in front of me, "I'm gonna give you this list of names" he made a motion and the list appeared in my hands "and a time limit". He then leaned over putting his hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear "I'm quite bored this days and I need some real-life entertainment so I'll make you a deal"; his breath was ticklish and quite honestly I was getting turned on. "If you manage to get yourself laid by any of the names on that list in a mmhhh... let's say three years, you're gonna earn yourself a spot in...paradise" the way he said the last word sent shivers down my spine, which he probably noticed since I heard him chuckle and straighten himself so he was now looking straight into my eyes; "if not" I gulped, and I felt his breath as his mouth was hovering just above mine "you'll aim straight for hell". As he finished the sentence he inhaled deep from his nose and exhaled directly into my parted lips locking the air in with a kiss. My very first. And that's when I fell.