Loving a couple makes love last

Starting a relationship is exhilarating. But in the long run, it sometimes comes down to the challenge, because loving is not enough. So how do you make your couple a fortress that resists all storms?

 

On the couple, all the approaches, all the demonstrations, literary, sociological or psychological, lead to the bottom to one certainty: it is both a mystery and a challenge, and its main fuel, love, is as volatile as polymorphic. To put all odds on his side, there is no miracle recipe, but a posture can make a difference, says Patrick dais, psychotherapist, psychologist, and tireless activist of the couple: "loving his partner is not enough, it must also" To love the relationship that one weaves with him from day to day. To do this, it is necessary first to realise that the couple is an entity whose value is greater than that of the addition of our individualities, and that it constitutes a territory much larger than the only intimacy. Once we realise the extent and richness of the territory it represents, we want to take care of it, to cherish it, and in return, it gives us all its blessings in the long term: safety, wonder, desire, tenderness, Support ... It appears like the castle on the hill, solid, impregnable, ready to face all the storms. On condition, however, says Patrick dais, whom we abandon to fatalism and laxity. It is in this perspective that it lays down the principles and conditions of a relationship as amiable as it is sustainable.

Become aware of its wealth

The psychotherapist gladly uses the image of two boats (representing the partners) leaving each morning their home port (appearing the couple), and finding it in the evening, rich of adventures and experiences lived, and eager to share them. The home port of the couple has several functions and dimensions: The Anchorage, the refuge (when the storm rumbles out), the welcome (of the family, friends), the traditions (mine, those of the other, ours), the exchange (of information, (Emotions, solutions), projects, defense (against external attacks) and freedom (that of inventing the modalities of its operation). "To become aware of this, of the power and potential of the couple in general and his in particular, is already to carry on him a conscious, loving and grateful look." It also leads to more care, to love it as a full-fledged creation. »

To experiment: do the mapping of your relationship with your partner. On a large sheet of paper, draw a circle in the center and write "we" inside (you can also place a picture of the two of you). Then, all around this circle, note (dividing them on the sheet): Anchorage, Refuge, reception, traditions, exchanges, projects, defense and freedom. By working together, add (from a word or phrase) under each keyword what you think defines your relationship in terms of values, principles, or memories. This playful exercise will help you to make the inventory and measure together the richness and strength of your relationship.

Place on the other an admiring glance

Never does our reflection look more beautiful than in the eyes of the person who presents a marvel at us. This look could continue if we did not seek, by desire of possession or by need of comfort, to transform the other or to control it. If, in his gaze – and reciprocally – we read curiosity, admiration, support for what we are and what we are tending to, then we would do everything to make the magic last. The lovers of their couple admire and support each other, they seduce themselves because they appreciate the space of personal affirmation and positive narcissistic reinforcement that they cultivate at two. "In your gaze," "I see my ideal of the self, and you, yours in my gaze," summed Patrick dais, before recalling that "too often, one forgets that his partner's ideal of self is not identical to his own, and that it is this difference that must be protected and surgeries IR ".

To avoid: The small recurring harassment (even under the guise of humour), dissociate from its partner in public, do not show (enough) interest in what fascinates him, the minimization of his talents or his qualities, the distraction or the silence on his Successes, any form of devaluation of what he is or what he likes. But also the staging of his couple intended to mask the lack of interest and intimacy.