WHAT IS LOVE?

Just recently, I collected my nephew from his work where he is a waiter and he told me all about his day. He went on to tell me about a couple that came for dinner. What a great couple they were and so much in love. He went on to say that they were an older couple but you could see how much they loved one another, he finished by saying that he would love that for himself when he is their age one day.

[2013 seemed like yesterday]

This got me thinking about love. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. We love each other, but sometimes we want to kill each other (she wants to kill me much more often than I want to kill her.) A few years back, somebody approached me, he was very concerned as he felt that Michele and I were heading for the divorce courts, but he didn’t understand the banter that exists between us. When I asked him why, he said that it appeared to him that we were not compatible.
Is love supposed to be on display for everyone for it to look like love? My wife and I tease and joke a lot with each other. We have never been big on PDA (PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION), but does this mean that we do not love each other?
Many years ago, my wife wondered the same, because she would watch couples appearing to enjoy each other’s company, play wrestling in the pool or on the lawn, holding hands wherever they went. She approached me and complained that we don’t do those things, even though we were aware of them, it just wasn’t us (or me rather). Anyway…. Years later, sadly most of those couples have been divorced, some due to affairs that were had, or irritation with their partner, or even my favourite, they "grew" apart. Was it a show that they put on for others to observe? Please note that I want to emphasise that what I have experienced is not the only successful pattern, do your own thing, if PDA is good for you then that is just fine.

Michele and I have been through so much together. We have lived hundreds of kilometres apart due to work constraints (sometimes for years), we have weathered 4 children (and are still in that process). We have grown fat together and now have a few grey hairs. We have had sick children, sad children, naughty children. We have had cars break down, more times than I can mention (material for another article), we have had my recent bad health, where I had an inoperable tumour in my spinal column as the risk of becoming a quadriplegic if any error was made in surgery (another article), Michele saw me go through radiation and everything else that came with this diagnosis, and she stuck with me. Even administering certain medication in a terribly embarrassing way. Our financial situation has often been difficult and is currently at its worst as we struggle to provide tertiary education to three of our girls, but we are both still in this together. Now THAT is love. Seeing each other’s faults and failures, tears of joy and anger. THAT is love.

Look to others if you need to, but they will always only show you what they want you to see. Rather look at who you have and work with them and be happy and content that that person, even if slightly plump and aging. That person right beside you is who YOU chose! Cherish them and love them. Yes, hold hands through trials and triumphs , do it often rather than only in public for everyone to see.

What is the key or are the keys? I suppose that there are as many formulas as there are people. For us it is the following:

Communication (tough for me as I like to close up when I have negative emotions or difficult situations) but my partner wants it all out in the open and she wants to deal with it NOW! So I have had to adapt and so has she. She has taught me a lot about emotional honesty. I have had to learn to say sorry and I hate to do that but learning to do new things makes life an adventure.

Service – put others first! (for me I was a confirmed bachelor and when I got married I had to learn how to think about others). For example, if Michele was thirsty, she would offer me a cooldrink at the same time. Yet if I was thirsty I would just make myself something to drink. She would see me drinking and ask where was hers? Why didn’t I offer her? Nonplussed I would respond, “if you are thirsty then why didn’t you make yourself something to drink?” It drove her nuts, anyway I am getting a bit better at thinking of others as well, but I still have lots of room for improvement.

Freedom – allow your partner to do their own thing! I think it adds variety to a relationship. I was a sports nut but my wife didn’t know the difference between a rugby ball and a soccer ball (no exaggeration). I find the contrast refreshing

Humour – never take yourself too seriously. When I look back on my younger self, I want to die a thousand deaths of embarrassment, I was so pompous, (yetch!)

[2016 Christmas party]

Who knows what the future will bring? Luckily we don’t know but one thing I do know, is that it will find us together.