Lessons in Love I Learned Too Late

I should get a Darwin Award for the emotionally deficient

Say what you feel

It may sound obvious, but it’s so easy to think you’ve read a situation by how the other person acts and their body language. Say what you feel even if you think the other person doesn’t want to hear it. You can never guess by how they act or what they might have said in the past.

In my case, I wanted to get back together with an ex-boyfriend, but he avoided me and made it clear he didn’t even want to be friends. It turned out that he didn’t want to be friends because he was still in love with me and thought there was no chance of us getting back together, so it was too painful to see me.

He thought there was no chance of us getting back together because when we broke up, I had told him I thought we weren’t right for each other, and none of my attempts to see him after that convinced him otherwise. I failed to say anything directly.

You can’t always trust thoughts over feelings

My ex-boyfriend and I were both so sure that we knew how the other person felt, and so sure that we had hurt the other person too much to believe there was still a chance for us. Yet we both still had feelings for each other, and even felt some of that magic when we were in each other’s presence. If we had simply spent more time together after we broke up, we probably would have ended up back together. We should have trusted our feelings and not our thoughts.

If you want something, try to get it

We were both the kind of people who thought we had to respect the others’ wishes, and we didn’t want to bother each other, or feel like we were inflicting ourselves on them. We were sure that from the conversation we had had when we broke up, and the way the other person acted afterward, that there was no chance. But even in the early days after we broke up, I would have listened and been convinced if he had made a really good case for why we should be together and why our problems could all be worked out. And even though he moved to a new city and started a new life, he would have moved back to be with me if only I had asked.

Do take no for an answer, though…

If you are determined to respect someone’s wishes, make sure you know what those wishes are

We each thought the other wanted a life without us, so we respected that without ever bothering to check if that was in fact the case.

It’s never too late to tell someone you love them

Even when the other person has moved on, they may still need to hear it, especially if they think you stopped loving them when you broke up.

Even after my ex-boyfriend was married, it still gave him a sense of peace to know that I always loved and appreciated him.

If someone loves you, they will forgive you for hurting them

Both of us felt so guilty and ashamed for things we had done that we thought they were unforgivable and made the other person stop loving us. Yet neither of us felt the other had done anything unforgivable.

If something isn't working, back off, don't break up

Sometimes all you need is space to let things settle before you can work them out.