Why self-love is a radical act for black women?

Over the past couple of years i have come to realise how society has almost made it impossible for black women to believe that they are beautiful, this is an issue that many young black woman face from a very tender age. It is clear that we live in a society that breeds beautiful women with low self esteem and confidence issues. There is so much pressure for women to be perfect when there is no such thing as perfection, it as though they are taught to aspire to be a kind of women that does not even exist.

These teachings manifest in various ways; from our parents, society, media and various things we come across and interact with in our daily lives. For example As young girls many of us played with ‘barbie’; a skinny white doll with straight hair. Although we might not have been aware at the time, playing with such a doll may have subconsciously altered or shaped our perceptions of beauty.

Furthermore, there are various issues within many black families that can challenge a young girl’s self-love and self- esteem. In many traditional black households; girls are raised with the hope that they would one day get married. Thus they are taught to take care of themselves, learn how to cook and clean not only for themselves but for the man they would one day marry. This is problematic because in this case the young girl learns to take care of herself and do all those other things not because of self love but to get love. Essentially birthing the troublesome notion that we need to look outside ourselves for validation, fulfilment and love.

We cannot speak of the self-love struggle that many black women face without touching on the subject of race. Racism has not only othered black bodies but has deemed them undesirable and ugly which is why to this day features such as ‘big lips’ and ‘big bums’ are seen as ugly on black women, yet when white women have surgeries to get big lips and other features that are genetically predisposed to black people; they are seen as beautiful. Black women are often seen as beautiful if they are closer to whiteness, for instance when they are coloured or light skinned. We have seen changes in social media movements such as #blackgirlmagic and #melaninonfleek, where black dark skinned women are appreciated and encouraged to love themselves and be confident in their own skin. However this can be problematized in that; the kind of love and appreciation shown on social media is not reflected in reality. Black dark skinned women are still not loved and fully appreciated on the streets. Also a lot of black women do not have access to these social media platform that are currently preaching self-love to black women and they are still consuming mainstream media which is largely owned by white heterosexual males and still portrays black women in an ugly light. They are left in a society which perpetuates the idea of beauty being white or anything close to whiteness.

Now when i come across a black woman who is unapologetically confident and filled with self love, my heart smiles because that act in itself is radical. It is hard to love yourself fully and be confident in your own skin in a world that constantly tells you that you are not enough.

• Mbali Monareng