A New Start And The Endless Debate Between Heart And Head
I felt it was necessary to give you an insight into my thoughts and feelings that have been occupying me for a long time. As much as I value my private life, I think that these experiences are worth sharing.
When I stood on the balcony of our shared apartment for the last time at the end of April, I saw in my mind what my life could have been — a future together, a relatively stable home, maybe even put a ring on her finger and who knows maybe have children.
Then reality hit me. Two weeks ago, we separated. After six years, we increasingly lived in different worlds, and as much as we wanted to, we had to admit that there is no future for the relationship without giving up part of us.
At the latest at that moment, when I last saw all the memories in the apartment, the last time played with our dog and packed my things, I realised that this stage of life was finally over.
Sometimes you just have to close a door behind you to go through a new door
I have heard this advice far too often and each time internally stretched out my middle finger. With some distance, I know how accurate the statement is, but in such a situation, the heart is louder than the head.
The emotional chaos that I underwent in the last few weeks ranged from pain to much love that I was allowed to experience through other people. I tried to find answers to difficult questions. Now I hope that my thoughts help you to make important decisions in your life.
What Happened To Me, To Us?
Life is not a straight shot. It runs in paths that follow our personality and our longings. I’ve gotten to know her better in the last few years. Much busy with myself and finally started to do what pleases me instead of following the expectations of others.
We are both reliable as individuals, unfortunately in different directions. We always supported each other unconditionally and ultimately had to watch as the overlaps of our worlds become smaller and smaller.
Six years ago, our dreams and expectations of life were different. They fit together very well. However, realities are changing. Sometimes to a point where they are no longer compatible.
Wondering how you fell in love with these people ten years ago? Why did you drive to this office every morning for years? Why did you make a different decision that today is incomprehensible?
Simply because your reality is different today, you’ve grown instead of obsessively clinging to something. It would be best if you accepted that instead of slapping yourself for it.
When Is The Right Time To Disconnect
It is always a mix of reason and heart that influences our decisions. The head knows what is reasonable. However, it is the feelings that fill us with life and love.
Which part outweighs depends on our personalities. A high need for safety and balance is satisfied by a high degree of reason. The longings for stimulation and adventure can only be brought to life through our hearts.
It has been clear to our mind for some time that our life models are difficult to unite. However, the heart did not want to believe it. It was only when we were so mentally tired that our relationship cost more energy than we gave ourselves.
How long does it make sense to hold on to a relationship, a project or a dream? For months this question tormented me. I agree, some things are worth fighting for, but not to exhaustion, which makes us broken inside.
If there are always the same discussions in a relationship, then that is not a good sign for me. If a company still has no paying customers after a year, then the idea was probably not that good. Also, if tracking a dream feels like hard work, then we probably acted on the wrong motives.
Giving something up is not negative. It is an admission to us that we have been wrong or that our reality has changed. That admission hurts. However, only through temporary pain, do we allow ourselves to follow our heart in the long term.
As hard as my own separation has fallen, so are the beautiful memories that predominate. It is the awareness that everything is transient and yet always will be part of my life.
Moreover, with some distance, it’s also relief that I feel. We have both given ourselves the chance to follow our life ideas and to be happy in the long term. I’m okay with it, just as I was with previous changes from one stage of life to the next.
Sometimes not immediately but always when I look back with some length.
How Many Compromises Am I Willing To Accept?
Life always consists of compromises. It does not matter if it’s about relationships, bread-making or complete life-models. The question is, how many compromises can I accept without denying myself.
I admire my freedom, which comes with the location-independent business and a minimalist lifestyle, immensely. I don’t see family and friends as often as I would like to. I am not willing to contribute with many flights to global warming. And so, I am ready to accept painful separations.
Our relationship was at a point when we were no longer willing to compromise. We had to bend too much to fit in the other’s world. It just felt wrong.
For a long time, I’ve been wondering if these compromises are worth it. Couldn’t I have had a part of me die? The part that is restless and not ready for a stationary life?
There it was again, the conflict between heart and head
My realisation at this time is that I must remain true to myself. How can I make another person happy if I suppress a part of me? How can someone wholeheartedly love me if I can’t fulfil their expectations?
Do I Need To Know What I Want?
How many times have you heard that “you finally have to decide”? During elementary school, I was always envious of the children who knew exactly what they wanted to become later. Later again, I looked at friends who have worked towards concrete life goals. Everything seemed so clear.
Today I know that these dreams and goals were mostly not their own. They were projections of parents, school and society. Nevertheless, I keep hearing the voices,
It’s time to grow up. You have to commit yourself
And then my head reels, why do I have to commit?
- On a partner?
- To a place of residence?
- On family planning?
- On a job?
No, I don’t have to commit myself
I can’t know at age 14 what I want to do all my life. Nor do I know at age 34 which people I can make happy for the rest of my life. My reality has changed a few times completely and will do so again and again. How should I be able to commit myself without lying to myself and being forced to end up how I don’t want to end up?
Doesn’t it show a certain arrogance to cling to absolute truth? Principles, rules and rigid beliefs make us limit our lives. So many people run against the same wall again and again just because they can’t admit that their reality has changed.
That, in turn, raises new questions in me. Am I, are we at all able to relate as stimulant seeking people? Is it possible to promise someone to be with each other for the rest of our lives? How much selfishness is healthy? To what point do compromises enrich our lives?
Change Means To Give Up Something
Putting some distance in between, I would also like to advise you to close a door now and then to open new doors. Don’t cling to old things that make your life meaningless.
Whether you trust that there is a higher being or destiny, you will agree that many things in life do not happen for no reason. The law of attraction ensures that sooner or later, the universe serves us the things for which we are ready.
Fight for what’s really important to you. However, don’t fight until you drop. Be ready to give up before you reach the point where you can’t look yourself in the eye.