Marriage: Dealing with trust issues

As important as love is in any intimate relationship or marriage, it is certain that none can stand the test of time without the ingredient called trust. I believe that trust is the most valuable component of any true relationship. As expected, trust is not given if it is not earned that is why most successful marriages or marriage counselors will say marriage is all about each party bringing in their hundred percent, not fifty, not seventy-five and definitely not twenty-five percent. Anything less than your individual best effort is not good enough.

So many things can hamper the feelings of trust or cause the development of trust issues in a marriage. The story of my two friends Laila and Joe will shed more light on this. Laila comes from a broken home where she expects all men to eventually cheat on their wives and so she finds it hard to even give Sam, her husband any benefit of doubt. Every move he makes comes under deep scrutiny by her. She told me that she’s basically holding her breath “waiting for Sam to mess up.”

Joe, on the other hand, is dealing with the aftermath of infidelity where Tina, his wife cheated on him with a colleague at work. Even though Tina apologized and they decided to not get a divorce, he says he finds himself unable to move past what happened. He finds himself unable to open up to her or love her as he used to. He describes his marriage as “having been severely tainted by what she did.”

 

Unfortunately, so many couples out there are dealing with similar problems, issues that revolve around trust for their partners. The truth is that if both partners don’t address this issue with all the love and clarity of mind that they can, the relationship will eventually crumble. So the big question is how to deal with these trust issues.

For people going through the same situations as Laila, I usually advise to let all their prejudices go. You’re only hurting yourself and your partner more by letting your past control your present. Going through life expecting people to hurt you is a truly sad way to go. You’re not being fair to your partner and you are definitely not being fair to yourself!

For those who like Joe who are healing and learning to re-love those who caused them this hurt, I want to tell you that you are truly strong. No matter how much you try, what has happened has happened. You can’t wipe it off your memory. You just have to find a way to give this incident less power to hurt you. Remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place. Try to re-ignite this love. Give them another chance to make up for their mistakes. If they are truly sorry, maybe you can have an awesome marriage again. If however you do not believe that you can ever look past what they did, then maybe it’s time to say your goodbyes.